What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
These 19 Deaths Are Ironically Hilarious
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
These 17 Parents Decided to Cut Contact With Their Horrible Kids
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Did we literally take a cab across the street
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?