In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I'm fucking your sister right now.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"