awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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