In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
