I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
