Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Are my feet made of real feet?
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
She told me I should be a condom model.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.