my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Dating After Heartbreak
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.