How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Dating After Heartbreak
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
i am a beautiful darrk chocolate womann
honey you're def caucasian
i am a beautiful white cholcllate woman.... Z
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I feel great
I just peed on a car
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
its not stalking. its research.
my mouth tastes like poor choices
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
i love accidental penises.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
i permit you to call me
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
The Redheads category on Pornhub is my number 2 site behind facebook on google chrome. I think I have a problem
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
hey, what are you doing tonight?
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Those kids are glorified dude-bros. It's banal.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.