If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
