What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I have already put on my inside pants.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
My friends, they love my intelligence
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".