Texts From Last Night · annavolz's Favorites

annavolz's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

(651): View more from Minnesota

Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.

(571): View more from Virginia

define virginity.

Fav 17 6114 1895
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

coke and sex party at dan's

(201): View more from New Jersey

im watching greys anatomy with megan...

(973): View more from New Jersey

wha-pishhh

Fav 51 1521 4857
share tweet

(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.

Fav 13 1696 3973
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.

Fav 47 29985 1753
share tweet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Read it at the TFLN blog
(847): View more from Illinois

dude, osama threatened the US again

(1-847): View more from Illinois

dude. i slept with your sister last night

(847): View more from Illinois

what?

(1-847): View more from Illinois

I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news

Fav 26 5637 1129
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.

Fav 9 5586 1436
share tweet

(317): View more from Indiana

ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.

Fav 23 4100 1068
share tweet

(303): View more from Colorado

One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.

Fav 20 9422 1834
share tweet
(956): View more from Texas

Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."

Fav 25 15047 1716
share tweet
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Read it at the TFLN blog
(407): View more from Florida

Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."

Fav 35 17858 1327
share tweet
(972): View more from Texas

i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.

(817): View more from Texas

Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.

(972): View more from Texas

ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.

Fav 66 6048 1614
share tweet

(919): View more from North Carolina

dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.

Fav 4 1367 2274
share tweet

(815): View more from Illinois

Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?

Fav 6 1300 1829
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.

Fav 18 3930 1419
share tweet

(630): View more from Illinois

is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?

(815): View more from Illinois

that's gum

Fav 42 3361 3245
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.

Fav 16 5287 1159
share tweet
(417): View more from Missouri

p.s. you have a small clit

(1-417): View more from Missouri

YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.

Fav 45 1585 4790
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

This phone does not accept mass texts. Try again.

Fav 4 1922 2774
share tweet
(319): View more from Iowa

On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?

(316): View more from Kansas

Toaster

Fav 48 26744 2044
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....

Fav 10 6712 1817
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple

(1-631): View more from New York

whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?

Fav 31 4745 1840
share tweet
(941): View more from Florida

Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.

Fav 141 4287 1494
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

I'm fucking your sister right now.

(1-813): View more from Florida

You motherfucker

(813): View more from Florida

She's next.

Fav 154 67655 4389
share tweet
(424): View more from California

Do u kno any dealers?

(1-424): View more from California

I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.

Fav 36 3108 7951
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.

Fav 20 4276 1064
share tweet
(662): View more from Mississippi

Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning

(780): View more from Alberta, CA

I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk

Fav 17 2971 1325
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.

Fav 14 5497 1903
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this

Fav 10 1397 3915
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.

(603): View more from New Hampshire

OMG THAT WAS YOU?!

Fav 43 9910 1849
share tweet
(219): View more from Indiana

I thought Christmas was going to come before I did

Fav 10 1407 7352
share tweet
(479): View more from Arkansas

hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?

(1-479): View more from Arkansas

what?

(479): View more from Arkansas

your penis

Fav 11 1824 4192
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.

Fav 33 2014 14225
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.

Fav 9 4972 1302
share tweet
(760): View more from California

Why is your vibrator in the fridge?

(1-760): View more from California

I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.

Fav 41 7335 1792
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT

Fav 20 5656 1377
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen

(845): View more from New York

That would be so convenient

Fav 12 3344 1304
share tweet
(636): View more from Missouri

At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"

(314): View more from Missouri

You fucking left with him didn't you?!

Fav 33 1975 4278
share tweet
(337): View more from Louisiana

if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?

(1-337): View more from Louisiana

4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds

(337): View more from Louisiana

mom cant say that college never taught us math

Fav 41 4603 881
share tweet
(574): View more from Indiana

Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.

Fav 19 4126 1185
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

I demand visitation hours with the duck.

Fav 10 4599 1354
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.

Fav 25 1499 2857
share tweet
(980): View more from North Carolina

My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.

Fav 11 3054 1268
share tweet
(417): View more from Missouri

I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka

(479): View more from Arkansas

I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once

Fav 10 6344 1201
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.

Fav 76 998 7756
share tweet
(269): View more from Michigan

I'm on that like soy sauce on rice

Fav 3 1683 904
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.

(810): View more from Michigan

You're 20.

(734): View more from Michigan

IT'S BUILD A BEAR!

Fav 149 12005 2611
share tweet
(251): View more from Alabama

but she was nice to me.

(256): View more from Alabama

She was a fuckin STRIPPER.

Fav 25 2955 4264
share tweet
(712): View more from Iowa

I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.

Fav 2 2436 1070
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.

(781): View more from Massachusetts

Fear?

(617): View more from Massachusetts

FEAR.

Fav 5 3157 1149
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.

(1-614): View more from Ohio

Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.

Fav 30 6303 1145
share tweet
(212): View more from New York

I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.

Fav 50 6131 1853
share tweet
(778): View more from British Columbia

You're perfectly engineered for doggy style

Fav 25 5987 985
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.

Fav 14 7558 1435
share tweet
(316): View more from Kansas

I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.

(1-316): View more from Kansas

Yeah I'm going to bathe him.

Fav 6 4114 1219
share tweet
(302): View more from Delaware

Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.

Fav 27 4833 1506
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly

Fav 10 5268 1389
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof

Fav 7 3385 1035
share tweet
(520): View more from Arizona

His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now

(310): View more from California

Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...

Fav 14 4545 1313
share tweet
(650): View more from California

Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"

Fav 13 7386 2402
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.

Fav 26 3334 5209
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?

Fav 10 1918 6657
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

three words: i give head

(770): View more from Georgia

three words: not that well

Fav 65 1694 9015
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?

(941): View more from Florida

better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn

Fav 28 7264 1484
share tweet
(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.

Fav 32 1656 5185
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton

(781): View more from Massachusetts

then i met college

Fav 17 6594 1082
share tweet
(586): View more from Michigan

Omg! Love it! Cant find L*****

(734): View more from Michigan

What!!?? Like after last night you lost her?

(586): View more from Michigan

Yea me and L***** came back to out hotel at 3am to regroup then went back out; police and 2 bars later, I don't know what happened. Vegas is nuts!

Fav 7 1658 728
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...

Fav 18 1436 6824
share tweet
(772): View more from Florida

how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?

Fav 19 4828 1108
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.

Fav 73 1068 13460
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!

(1-313): View more from Michigan

it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...

Fav 13 1152 2223
share tweet
(818): View more from California

And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.

Fav 4 3561 1042
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.

Fav 31 4801 5707
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

Haha, bad night?

Fav 144 1734 17279
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."

(407): View more from Florida

That's called being sensitive.

Fav 6 2216 1017
share tweet
(862): View more from New Jersey

I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!

Fav 33 6794 1688
share tweet
(636): View more from Missouri

tequila makes her clothes fall off

(512): View more from Texas

wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time

Fav 28 2224 8433
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.

Fav 13 4430 1172
share tweet
(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.

(1-321): View more from Florida Space Coast

he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.

(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

no his phone, idiot.

Fav 43 10097 1428
share tweet
(650): View more from California

i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!

(408): View more from California

Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...

Fav 41 3707 1150
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.

(407): View more from Florida

given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was

(352): View more from Florida

i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it

Fav 41 3647 1474
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.

Fav 13 9614 1083
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??

Fav 36 2103 764
share tweet
(620): View more from Kansas

Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.

Fav 8 7758 2118
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.

(407): View more from Florida

yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.

Fav 10 3341 1192
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.

Fav 7 4677 1637
share tweet
(318): View more from Louisiana

dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune

(1-318): View more from Louisiana

what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??

Fav 80 4639 1061
share tweet
(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D

Fav 15 2812 1341
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

meow

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.

Fav 96 5316 1760
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.

Fav 17 4985 1022
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss

(757): View more from Virginia

So when are we having a sleepover?

Fav 24 6745 998
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.

Fav 11 1263 4337
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY

(614): View more from Ohio

handstands? WTF?

(405): View more from Oklahoma

she was a gymnast

(614): View more from Ohio

go to hell.

Fav 9 3341 944
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"

Fav 6 3890 967
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.

Fav 9 6237 1433
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....

(1-630): View more from Illinois

which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?

Fav 31 1418 5739
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.

Fav 47 1376 6768
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade

Fav 22 4923 2072
share tweet
(650): View more from California

We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.

Fav 19 1711 5611
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.

Fav 46 6426 9139
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"

(1-513): View more from Ohio

You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.

Fav 30 991 1957
share tweet
(225): View more from Louisiana

i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels

Fav 58 1183 8545
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.

Fav 15 8556 1443
share tweet
(774): View more from Massachusetts

I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby

(617): View more from Massachusetts

your completely serious

Fav 9 2666 1346
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(1-847): View more from Illinois

Ew you even made it your fb status

(1-847): View more from Illinois

Ppl probably think ur having a kid

(847): View more from Illinois

I hope

(847): View more from Illinois

Love having children with random chicks

Fav 3 1785 1295
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

What do you think it is?

(615): View more from Tennessee

It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.

Fav 12 5537 2081
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

i can't find my house

(1-845): View more from New York

we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.

(845): View more from New York

i'm pretty sure my house moved.

Fav 51 14288 1958
share tweet
(805): View more from California

It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"

Fav 38 7664 1188
share tweet
(985): View more from Louisiana

Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next

Fav 9 1309 4082
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...

(1-513): View more from Ohio

God I fucking love America.

Fav 45 9497 1511
share tweet
(718): View more from New York

Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!

Fav 63 7951 1496
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness

Fav 70 1251 5900
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.

Fav 166 29076 3213
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.

Fav 14 5059 927
share tweet
(204): View more from Manitoba

All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."

Fav 5 1325 1641
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

DIN'T JUSGE NE.

Fav 15 4535 1199
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard

Fav 7 2766 1080
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up

Fav 64 910 3863
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.

Fav 23 5967 1455
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?

(1-732): View more from New Jersey

shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work

Fav 18 6805 1442
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him

Fav 19 5537 1450
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

what did you hear about me?

(630): View more from Illinois

that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around

(630): View more from Illinois

that was hard to say and not laugh

Fav 13 4935 1266
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now

(1-484): View more from Pennsylvania

sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

:)

Fav 12 4218 962
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.

Fav 18 5429 1229
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment

Fav 20 3181 1577
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.

Fav 10 3245 969
share tweet
(323): View more from California

You got in a fight last night?

(818): View more from California

Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.

(323): View more from California

Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?

Fav 132 9134 24693
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.

Fav 3 2339 1012
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all

Fav 26 5245 1248
share tweet
(501): View more from Arkansas

Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window

Fav 12 1329 3138
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?

Fav 125 48815 2420
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south

Fav 48 3039 2124
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden

(202): View more from Washington, DC

She's got a legit dose of dude going on

(240): View more from Maryland

No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.

Fav 7 1234 2133
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'

Fav 62 2907 25013
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.

Fav 22 4451 2175
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.

Fav 8 1154 2993
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.

Fav 19 7103 1436
share tweet
(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.

Fav 3 4030 1239
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes

(1-407): View more from Florida

i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.

Fav 21 4452 1041
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?

Fav 106 23661 1410
share tweet
(856): View more from New Jersey

just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.

Fav 28 8317 1133
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''

Fav 22 7624 1295
share tweet
(864): View more from South Carolina

no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.

Fav 18 8567 2313
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

dude. I'm so drunk.

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is bryce's mom

(214): View more from Texas

I can't wait to have my cock in your ass

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is still bryce's mom

Fav 180 38250 5876
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.

Fav 10 4283 1552
share tweet
(646): View more from New York

I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.

Fav 34 8165 1051
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..

Fav 17 6063 1365
share tweet
(310): View more from California

Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta

Fav 86 3296 1117
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.

Fav 142 2863 2583
share tweet
(765): View more from Indiana

Why are you ignoring all of my texts?

(1-765): View more from Indiana

The power was out.

Fav 17 1597 4542
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.

Fav 39 1837 5209
share tweet
(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Why do you have to go to the hospital?

(407): View more from Florida

I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me

Fav 7 1132 2079
share tweet
(641): View more from Iowa

Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.

Fav 62 18814 2673
share tweet
(985): View more from Louisiana

BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART

(601): View more from Mississippi

Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.

Fav 49 5828 1122
share tweet
(949): View more from California

you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."

Fav 19 6759 1182
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked

Fav 23 14583 1123
share tweet
(432): View more from Texas

TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!

Fav 47 5822 1196
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.

Fav 15 5266 1473
share tweet
(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?

Fav 41 3439 820
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?

(708): View more from Illinois

We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.

Fav 47 14629 1489
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.

Fav 61 19436 1813
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.

Fav 9 4960 885
share tweet
(828): View more from North Carolina

As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.

Fav 85 9752 1614
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

What color are my eyes?

(1-519): View more from Ontario

Ummmm... 34 C?

Fav 14 12313 1860
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes

Fav 61 6562 1409
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor

Fav 37 4129 1394
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.

Fav 91 3117 1328
share tweet
(940): View more from Texas

Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers

Fav 14 4436 1247
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom

Fav 67 1004 6460
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.

(973): View more from New Jersey

I'm moving there. Get me hired.

Fav 39 6084 1175
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter

Fav 13 8772 1448
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.

Fav 11 4836 1294
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.

Fav 5 3524 1193
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.

(1-513): View more from Ohio

She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.

(513): View more from Ohio

She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.

Fav 35 1779 5297
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!

(734): View more from Michigan

I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.

Fav 10 2418 905
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"

Fav 7 2715 1320
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now

Fav 11 4795 1278
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

Question for you. Are boobs and hands polarly charged, thus causing the inevitable joining of the two. If so are some breasts simply charged backwards

Fav 4 1082 1265
share tweet
(647): View more from Ontario

Whatcha textin bout Willis?

Fav 29 4052 1243
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.

Fav 42 2250 7012
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"

Fav 46 2476 8353
share tweet
(606): View more from Kentucky

Do they take checks?

(1-606): View more from Kentucky

Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?

Fav 18 5361 2037
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

Did we have sex?

(1-706): View more from Georgia

No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left

Fav 24 959 5469
share tweet
(971): View more from Oregon

I have two black x marks on my hands.

(503): View more from Oregon

Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'

(971): View more from Oregon

damnit I wish I could remember that.

Fav 58 27722 1893
share tweet
(501): View more from Arkansas

we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"

Fav 26 8352 1424
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis

Fav 90 1428 5173
share tweet
(417): View more from Missouri

Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.

Fav 15 2337 1020
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.

(1-773): View more from Illinois

Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.

Fav 28 1066 2960
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.

Fav 28 4781 1008
share tweet
(951): View more from California

Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?

(949): View more from California

Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.

Fav 29 1413 4239
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.

Fav 10 1196 3317
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"

(612): View more from Minnesota

Drunk you is pretty stunner.

Fav 9 4566 1230
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.

Fav 14 4551 920
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat

Fav 8 3361 1241
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets

Fav 65 8569 1175
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd

(443): View more from Maryland

wasted?

(410): View more from Maryland

im pocohantasssss

Fav 109 45410 2753
share tweet
(647): View more from Ontario

You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.

Fav 33 19004 1310
share tweet
(806): View more from Texas

You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."

(1-806): View more from Texas

Best pick-up line ever!

Fav 35 10253 1635
share tweet
(586): View more from Michigan

In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.

Fav 2 1776 906
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?

Fav 6 2581 1033
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.

Fav 7 6468 1315
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

Whoa, Gary Coleman died

(224): View more from Illinois

Whatchu talkin bout?!?!

(847): View more from Illinois

Too soon.

Fav 49 7446 2218
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

what does that even mean?

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.

Fav 36 5809 980
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol

(661): View more from California

HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator

Fav 6 1451 865
share tweet
(323): View more from California

Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.

Fav 6 3875 1121
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!

(860): View more from Connecticut

I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo

Fav 14 8902 1451
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.

Fav 29 11656 1234
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

I just woke up to me licking the dognuts

(623): View more from Arizona

You mean Doughnuts?

(602): View more from Arizona

......No :(

Fav 50 1708 17920
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.

(1-405): View more from Oklahoma

i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "

Fav 40 10290 1536
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy

Fav 41 4852 1589
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."

Fav 91 22465 3682
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.

Fav 5 2786 1559
share tweet
(714): View more from California

Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.

Fav 21 7923 1609
share tweet
(365): View more from

I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.

Fav 1 3676 1117
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors

Fav 25 3090 1125
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

i got excepted to unl lol

(402): View more from Nebraska

You mean "accepted".

Fav 76 2052 6500
share tweet
(863): View more from Florida

if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed

Fav 8 5727 1105
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away

Fav 11 5689 1454
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.

Fav 85 11152 2920
share tweet
(270): View more from Kentucky

I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.

Fav 7 2556 1056
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING

Fav 18 6264 1469
share tweet
(971): View more from Oregon

the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?

Fav 38 6229 2037
share tweet
(571): View more from Virginia

non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.

Fav 75 14747 2277
share tweet
(765): View more from Indiana

I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.

Fav 4 3418 928
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.

Fav 32 5470 2171
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..

Fav 8 3162 969
share tweet
(586): View more from Michigan

We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine

Fav 15 3107 1813
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.

(1-781): View more from Massachusetts

I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.

Fav 19 6469 964
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.

Fav 4 2516 871
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.

Fav 22 3661 6235
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking

Fav 10 3034 1133
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi

(214): View more from Texas

ok, stay where you are, be there soon

Fav 55 2889 1115
share tweet