Texts From Last Night

telllyy82's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

• Favorite

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (508): Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this" http://tfl.nu/ybbk
  Replies (1) Good night (871) Bad night (416) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (215): they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness http://tfl.nu/sk3k
  Replies (3) Good night (1300) Bad night (209) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (613): View more from Ontario

  The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (613): The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me. http://tfl.nu/tj8o
  Replies (2) Good night (731) Bad night (165) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (978): We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment. http://tfl.nu/8gpy
  Replies (8) Good night (1938) Bad night (247)
• Favorite

  (951): View more from California

  Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (951): Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation. http://tfl.nu/t4hm
  Replies (4) Good night (1006) Bad night (297) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (434): View more from Virginia

  I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (434): I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories. http://tfl.nu/op72
  Replies (6) Good night (1863) Bad night (213)
• Favorite

  (716): View more from New York

  it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (716): it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality. http://tfl.nu/d5wl
  Replies (7) Good night (692) Bad night (139) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (214): View more from Texas

  I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (214): I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help. http://tfl.nu/nnry
  Replies (11) Good night (967) Bad night (251) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (431): View more from

  Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (431): Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches. http://tfl.nu/58c6
  Replies (5) Good night (1531) Bad night (156)
• Favorite

  (402): View more from Nebraska

  It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (402): It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off. http://tfl.nu/33ez
  Replies (1) Good night (481) Bad night (244) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (402): View more from Nebraska

  Tiny.

  (402): View more from Nebraska

  I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (402): Tiny. (402): I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed. http://tfl.nu/6vga
  Replies (8) Good night (1344) Bad night (511)
• Favorite

  (417): View more from Missouri

  You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?

  (573): View more from Missouri

  You can't be serious.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (417): You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right? (573): You can't be serious. http://tfl.nu/cmch
  Replies (58) Good night (3177) Bad night (596)
• Favorite

  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (215): tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts. http://tfl.nu/39iy
  Replies (5) Good night (1069) Bad night (215) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (402): View more from Nebraska

  You need to be more adventurous.

  (1-402): View more from Nebraska

  I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (402): You need to be more adventurous. (1-402): I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way http://tfl.nu/a4mr
  Replies (4) Good night (1421) Bad night (399) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (516): View more from New York

  My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (516): My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery http://tfl.nu/njc1
  Replies (8) Good night (1348) Bad night (466) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (361): View more from Texas

  As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (361): As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you. http://tfl.nu/u1yg
  Replies (12) Good night (6818) Bad night (1323) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (508): Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area http://tfl.nu/7yxw
  Replies (3) Good night (989) Bad night (283) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (617): A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck? http://tfl.nu/zk7d
  Replies (13) Good night (3441) Bad night (531)
• Favorite

  (+61): View more from Australia

  Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (+61): Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night. http://tfl.nu/mvw7
  Replies (6) Good night (2438) Bad night (302)
• Favorite

  (914): View more from New York

  He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (914): He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now. http://tfl.nu/ph35
  Replies (15) Good night (1078) Bad night (3105) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (753): View more from

  if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (753): if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad. http://tfl.nu/mg7k
  Replies (6) Good night (751) Bad night (237) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (503): View more from Oregon

  I like the wholesome side of you

  (571): View more from Virginia

  I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (503): I like the wholesome side of you (571): I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots. http://tfl.nu/22ah
  Replies (3) Good night (1235) Bad night (202)
• Favorite

  (289): View more from Ontario

  God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.

  (519): View more from Ontario

  Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (289): God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore. (519): Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor. http://tfl.nu/xdad
  Replies (8) Good night (1095) Bad night (243)
• Favorite

  (512): View more from Texas

  I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.

  (1-512): View more from Texas

  I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (512): I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland. (1-512): I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies. http://tfl.nu/m9ig
  Replies (5) Good night (915) Bad night (234)
• Favorite

  (815): View more from Illinois

  After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (815): After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin. http://tfl.nu/me1g
  Replies (3) Good night (836) Bad night (342) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (304): View more from West Virginia

  Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (304): Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd. http://tfl.nu/1o4y
  Replies (18) Good night (2413) Bad night (291)
• Favorite

  (317): View more from Indiana

  TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.

  (415): View more from California

  I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (317): TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT. (415): I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext http://tfl.nu/qb0z
  Replies (7) Good night (2293) Bad night (324)
• Favorite

  (314): View more from Missouri

  Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (314): Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea... http://tfl.nu/1d0t
  Replies (7) Good night (1292) Bad night (354)
• Favorite

  (203): View more from Connecticut

  Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart

  (763): View more from Minnesota

  Die.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (203): Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart (763): Die. http://tfl.nu/kmyn
  Replies (11) Good night (600) Bad night (883)
• Favorite

  (404): View more from Georgia

  After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"

  (404): View more from Georgia

  I come from her. Holy hell.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (404): After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now" (404): I come from her. Holy hell. http://tfl.nu/sgm7
  Replies (13) Good night (2894) Bad night (332)
• Favorite

  (614): View more from Ohio

  telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (614): telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though. http://tfl.nu/tou6
  Replies (10) Good night (1571) Bad night (329)
• Favorite

  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (+44): you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home? http://tfl.nu/3r4f
  Replies (6) Good night (1140) Bad night (275) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (843): View more from South Carolina

  I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (843): I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job. http://tfl.nu/6er2
  Replies (1) Good night (891) Bad night (236) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (306): He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating. http://tfl.nu/hhgj
  Replies (4) Good night (757) Bad night (168) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (773): View more from Illinois

  I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (773): I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech. http://tfl.nu/9arc
  Replies (8) Good night (4830) Bad night (1185) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (916): View more from California

  I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (916): I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot. http://tfl.nu/9evn
  Replies (6) Good night (844) Bad night (310) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (519): View more from Ontario

  All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (519): All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am. http://tfl.nu/roar
  Replies (13) Good night (1765) Bad night (843) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (916): View more from California

  I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (916): I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay http://tfl.nu/vfh5
  Replies (13) Good night (878) Bad night (2001) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (+44): I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness. http://tfl.nu/lp3m
  Replies (5) Good night (1250) Bad night (443) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (615): View more from Tennessee

  there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (615): there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do http://tfl.nu/2r0x
  Replies (4) Good night (544) Bad night (373) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (813): View more from Florida

  My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (813): My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester. http://tfl.nu/4ngv
  Replies (1) Good night (927) Bad night (162)
• Favorite

  (208): View more from Idaho

  Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (208): Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry. http://tfl.nu/nw7i
  Replies (9) Good night (787) Bad night (231)
• Favorite

  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.

  (336): View more from North Carolina

  Did it work?

  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (918): I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over. (336): Did it work? (918): Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door. http://tfl.nu/swzf
  Replies (8) Good night (2862) Bad night (403)
• Favorite

  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  8===D

  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (412): 8===D (412): That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me. http://tfl.nu/yh0b
  Replies (12) Good night (1702) Bad night (258)
• Favorite

  (952): View more from Minnesota

  WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (952): WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms. http://tfl.nu/gsmc
  Replies (6) Good night (277) Bad night (696) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (206): View more from Washington

  Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (206): Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it. http://tfl.nu/gln0
  Replies (3) Good night (1229) Bad night (283)
• Favorite

  (631): View more from New York

  He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (631): He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims. http://tfl.nu/mqeu
  Replies (16) Good night (2226) Bad night (559)
• Favorite

  (518): View more from New York

  The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (518): The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid. http://tfl.nu/6fga
  Replies (7) Good night (574) Bad night (1036) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (337): View more from Louisiana

  Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (337): Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed. http://tfl.nu/ptzk
  Replies (12) Good night (1847) Bad night (281) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (757): View more from Virginia

  All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (757): All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude. http://tfl.nu/k2dr
  Replies (4) Good night (1265) Bad night (310)
• Favorite

  (843): View more from South Carolina

  There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (843): There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room... http://tfl.nu/5owj
  Replies (3) Good night (1112) Bad night (306) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (204): View more from Manitoba

  Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (204): Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard? http://tfl.nu/3z7i
  Replies (20) Good night (4317) Bad night (692) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (815): View more from Illinois

  I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (815): I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man. http://tfl.nu/ripg
  Replies (11) Good night (5247) Bad night (759) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (732): View more from New Jersey

  yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (732): yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing" http://tfl.nu/qoaq
  Replies (9) Good night (4168) Bad night (783) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (516): View more from New York

  good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (516): good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top. http://tfl.nu/vbez
  Replies (19) Good night (4887) Bad night (980) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (647): View more from Ontario

  I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (647): I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover. http://tfl.nu/tjzc
  Replies (1) Good night (1126) Bad night (229) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (954): View more from Florida

  oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (954): oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied? http://tfl.nu/xnft
  Replies (22) Good night (1760) Bad night (1636) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (714): View more from California

  I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?

  (949): View more from California

  Midgetier?

  (714): View more from California

  Smaller, yet meaner.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (714): I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic? (949): Midgetier? (714): Smaller, yet meaner. http://tfl.nu/nr7w
  Replies (12) Good night (3798) Bad night (634)
• Favorite

  (248): View more from Michigan

  Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (248): Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch. http://tfl.nu/snc7
  Replies (10) Good night (4594) Bad night (1008) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.

  (1-617): View more from Massachusetts

  you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (617): You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33. (1-617): you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight http://tfl.nu/rpjk
  Replies (5) Good night (1846) Bad night (290)
• Favorite

  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (902): I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms. http://tfl.nu/obep
  Replies (7) Good night (1198) Bad night (315) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (972): View more from Texas

  He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (972): He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex. http://tfl.nu/pe6j
  Replies (6) Good night (1084) Bad night (395) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (228): View more from Mississippi

  thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (228): thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God" http://tfl.nu/z3qu
  Replies (3) Good night (5402) Bad night (967) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (760): View more from California

  double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (760): double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors http://tfl.nu/3oh4
  Replies (10) Good night (3589) Bad night (708) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (778): View more from British Columbia

  Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?

  (604): View more from British Columbia

  And your cock privileges have been revoked.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (778): Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck? (604): And your cock privileges have been revoked. http://tfl.nu/u4qr
  Replies (10) Good night (989) Bad night (1574)
• Favorite

  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (403): Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it. http://tfl.nu/6k4w
  Replies (18) Good night (4843) Bad night (1173)
• Favorite

  (240): View more from Maryland

  Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (240): Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me. http://tfl.nu/zpby
  Replies (6) Good night (2756) Bad night (726) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (905): View more from Ontario

  His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (905): His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines. http://tfl.nu/30ox
  Replies (9) Good night (688) Bad night (1640) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (718): View more from New York

  i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (718): i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share.. http://tfl.nu/5uhy
  Replies (11) Good night (3465) Bad night (1031)
• Favorite

  (682): View more from Texas

  Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (682): Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight. http://tfl.nu/gbse
  Replies (5) Good night (2418) Bad night (935) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (678): View more from Georgia

  I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (678): I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks. http://tfl.nu/fb5x
  Replies (8) Good night (2597) Bad night (495) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (416): View more from Toronto

  I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (416): I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn. http://tfl.nu/iixt
  Replies (12) Good night (2708) Bad night (714) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (410): View more from Maryland

  We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (410): We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off. http://tfl.nu/hhrd
  Replies (26) Good night (4036) Bad night (393)
• Favorite

  (561): View more from Florida

  I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (561): I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree. http://tfl.nu/yxk6
  Replies (11) Good night (1357) Bad night (398) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (719): View more from Colorado

  Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (719): Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence. http://tfl.nu/tuvm
  Replies (15) Good night (3995) Bad night (916) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (202): you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry. http://tfl.nu/e7cu
  Replies (9) Good night (7146) Bad night (847) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (518): View more from New York

  I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (518): I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you http://tfl.nu/jrvn
  Replies (20) Good night (5450) Bad night (1811)
• Favorite

  (509): View more from Washington

  This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (509): This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it. http://tfl.nu/jpqq
  Replies (4) Good night (659) Bad night (297) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (570): She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving. http://tfl.nu/lhd6
  Replies (0) Good night (1109) Bad night (286) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (620): View more from Kansas

  Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (620): Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams. http://tfl.nu/9m3g
  Replies (7) Good night (1269) Bad night (374) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (773): View more from Illinois

  if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.

  (815): View more from Illinois

  This is why you're my favorite.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (773): if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass. (815): This is why you're my favorite. http://tfl.nu/6wk2
  Replies (3) Good night (1339) Bad night (279)
• Favorite

  (907): View more from Alaska

  Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (907): Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy. http://tfl.nu/fd5d
  Replies (2) Good night (1185) Bad night (312) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (503): View more from Oregon

  He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (503): He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor. http://tfl.nu/y1d6
  Replies (9) Good night (924) Bad night (331)
• Favorite

  (973): View more from New Jersey

  Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (973): Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited. http://tfl.nu/g03h
  Replies (13) Good night (3646) Bad night (260) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (410): View more from Maryland

  Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (410): Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole? http://tfl.nu/dt20
  Replies (5) Good night (804) Bad night (408) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (312): View more from Illinois

  He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (312): He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning. http://tfl.nu/pfuk
  Replies (6) Good night (1371) Bad night (257)
• Favorite

  (502): View more from Kentucky

  I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (502): I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true. http://tfl.nu/qsda
  Replies (8) Good night (2255) Bad night (263) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (860): View more from Connecticut

  If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (860): If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead. http://tfl.nu/1hea
  Replies (10) Good night (1335) Bad night (264) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (603): I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand http://tfl.nu/gtek
  Replies (8) Good night (1968) Bad night (304) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (845): View more from New York

  Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (845): Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored. http://tfl.nu/hxpc
  Replies (2) Good night (1211) Bad night (331) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (609): View more from New Jersey

  You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (609): You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?" http://tfl.nu/1kzs
  Replies (9) Good night (2393) Bad night (390)
• Favorite

  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Is she still in your room?

  (1-978): View more from Massachusetts

  Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (978): Is she still in your room? (1-978): Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature. http://tfl.nu/vxhf
  Replies (8) Good night (1806) Bad night (365) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (207): View more from Maine

  Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.

  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  OMG THAT WAS YOU?!

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (207): Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building. (603): OMG THAT WAS YOU?! http://tfl.nu/kd7y
  Replies (42) Good night (9243) Bad night (1280)
• Favorite

  (260): View more from Indiana

  A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (260): A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him http://tfl.nu/k8ud
  Replies (25) Good night (1502) Bad night (6388) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (330): View more from Ohio

  so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister

  (216): View more from Ohio

  i hate you

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (330): so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister (216): i hate you http://tfl.nu/9cj0
  Replies (43) Good night (22291) Bad night (1508)
• Favorite

  (203): View more from Connecticut

  If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (203): If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche? http://tfl.nu/avjw
  Replies (22) Good night (2875) Bad night (691)
• Favorite

  (614): View more from Ohio

  We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (614): We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid http://tfl.nu/h9fh
  Replies (12) Good night (1529) Bad night (525)
• Favorite

  (602): View more from Arizona

  I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (602): I am NOT getting arrested in a wig. http://tfl.nu/5nul
  Replies (15) Good night (2480) Bad night (885) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (971): View more from Oregon

  I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (971): I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney. http://tfl.nu/myp2
  Replies (21) Good night (1939) Bad night (583) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (813): View more from Florida

  she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (813): she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter http://tfl.nu/6hrd
  Replies (5) Good night (2455) Bad night (557) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (334): View more from Alabama

  This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (334): This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back. http://tfl.nu/st6c
  Replies (36) Good night (15227) Bad night (989) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (217): View more from Illinois

  I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (217): I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong. http://tfl.nu/7bl9
  Replies (7) Good night (970) Bad night (2489) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (440): View more from Ohio

  Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (440): Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis. http://tfl.nu/jmye
  Replies (7) Good night (1683) Bad night (498) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (903): View more from Texas

  EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (903): EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT http://tfl.nu/usnf
  Replies (14) Good night (7192) Bad night (797) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.

  (1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

  Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (570): After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother. (1-570): Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off. http://tfl.nu/5ewz
  Replies (6) Good night (1706) Bad night (326)
• Favorite

  (480): View more from Arizona

  We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (480): We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor." http://tfl.nu/95x9
  Replies (4) Good night (3014) Bad night (403)
• Favorite

  (970): View more from Colorado

  I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (970): I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh. http://tfl.nu/93er
  Replies (9) Good night (1567) Bad night (574)
• Favorite

  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (724): The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent. http://tfl.nu/afyt
  Replies (12) Good night (1445) Bad night (564)
• Favorite

  (708): View more from Illinois

  And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (708): And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free http://tfl.nu/lgkw
  Replies (4) Good night (1686) Bad night (337) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (250): View more from British Columbia

  I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (250): I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick. http://tfl.nu/pl6y
  Replies (18) Good night (842) Bad night (1748) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (334): View more from Alabama

  He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (334): He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning. http://tfl.nu/odgl
  Replies (58) Good night (16164) Bad night (3383)
• Favorite

  (530): View more from California

  Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (530): Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity. http://tfl.nu/17zq
  Replies (8) Good night (2389) Bad night (814) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (814): I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography. http://tfl.nu/gojc
  Replies (4) Good night (1977) Bad night (377)
• Favorite

  (828): View more from North Carolina

  I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (828): I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea. http://tfl.nu/w8gt
  Replies (5) Good night (1570) Bad night (679) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (443): View more from Maryland

  Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (443): Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that. http://tfl.nu/hvnx
  Replies (11) Good night (4500) Bad night (1033)
• Favorite

  (214): View more from Texas

  Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.

  (1-214): View more from Texas

  I love you.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (214): Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants. (1-214): I love you. http://tfl.nu/sgzz
  Replies (5) Good night (2347) Bad night (389) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (678): View more from Georgia

  I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (678): I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head. http://tfl.nu/4u7e
  Replies (44) Good night (7108) Bad night (1601) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Love me.

  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Just for one nugget?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (508): Love me. (781): GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS. (508): Just for one nugget? http://tfl.nu/9y03
  Replies (6) Good night (2588) Bad night (565)
• Favorite

  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (724): No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology. http://tfl.nu/e8xh
  Replies (8) Good night (3647) Bad night (490)
• Favorite

  (541): View more from Oregon

  Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (541): Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule. http://tfl.nu/eokl
  Replies (28) Good night (3578) Bad night (626) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (937): View more from Ohio

  No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.

  (502): View more from Kentucky

  And if not?

  (937): View more from Ohio

  ...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (937): No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship. (502): And if not? (937): ...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you? http://tfl.nu/fwg8
  Replies (4) Good night (1652) Bad night (307)
• Favorite

  (204): View more from Manitoba

  We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (204): We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day. http://tfl.nu/b3rk
  Replies (15) Good night (3655) Bad night (519)
• Favorite

  (727): View more from Florida

  would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (727): would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right? http://tfl.nu/emka
  Replies (7) Good night (3329) Bad night (882) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (270): View more from Kentucky

  Her idea of kinky involved a tazer

  (850): View more from Florida

  wtf?

  (270): View more from Kentucky

  I'm going back tonight

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (270): Her idea of kinky involved a tazer (850): wtf? (270): I'm going back tonight http://tfl.nu/a9kb
  Replies (15) Good night (2588) Bad night (596)
• Favorite

  (614): View more from Ohio

  Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (614): Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter http://tfl.nu/3fce
  Replies (6) Good night (1549) Bad night (461) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (412): Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion... http://tfl.nu/ll4v
  Replies (3) Good night (899) Bad night (428) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (734): View more from Michigan

  Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (734): Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend. http://tfl.nu/2s7h
  Replies (9) Good night (1392) Bad night (610) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (+44): my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable. http://tfl.nu/xnmz
  Replies (6) Good night (1788) Bad night (831) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (227): View more from Maryland

  I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (227): I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are. http://tfl.nu/7vs1
  Replies (4) Good night (1307) Bad night (301) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (816): View more from Missouri

  Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (816): Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland. http://tfl.nu/1rj2
  Replies (3) Good night (1726) Bad night (342) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (212): View more from New York

  I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (212): I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin? http://tfl.nu/wy13
  Replies (5) Good night (1189) Bad night (940)
• Favorite

  (310): View more from California

  I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (310): I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour. http://tfl.nu/eqf3
  Replies (10) Good night (1519) Bad night (487) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (630): View more from Illinois

  Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.

  (309): View more from Illinois

  I'm bringing the tv in with me.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (630): Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice. (309): I'm bringing the tv in with me. http://tfl.nu/mqt8
  Replies (17) Good night (1785) Bad night (958)
• Favorite

  (803): View more from South Carolina

  i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)

  (1-803): View more from South Carolina

  Did you watch the carolina game tonight?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (803): i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;) (1-803): Did you watch the carolina game tonight? http://tfl.nu/ae37
  Replies (18) Good night (2140) Bad night (754)
• Favorite

  (562): View more from California

  We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (562): We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable http://tfl.nu/eg4m
  Replies (3) Good night (1652) Bad night (343) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (516): View more from New York

  I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (516): I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high. http://tfl.nu/l06x
  Replies (12) Good night (3546) Bad night (535)
• Favorite

  (706): View more from Georgia

  He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (706): He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle. http://tfl.nu/6yo0
  Replies (4) Good night (604) Bad night (789) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (410): View more from Maryland

  WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (410): WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN http://tfl.nu/tdjl
  Replies (10) Good night (1808) Bad night (677) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (518): View more from New York

  Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (518): Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors. http://tfl.nu/nr6l
  Replies (2) Good night (974) Bad night (794) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (404): View more from Georgia

  When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (404): When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012? http://tfl.nu/cat9
  Replies (12) Good night (1546) Bad night (511)
• Favorite

  (330): View more from Ohio

  You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (330): You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower. http://tfl.nu/aao1
  Replies (6) Good night (1234) Bad night (359) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (540): View more from Virginia

  I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (540): I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick http://tfl.nu/eynw
  Replies (3) Good night (769) Bad night (321) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (301): View more from Maryland

  Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (301): Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours? http://tfl.nu/n62u
  Replies (4) Good night (1088) Bad night (337) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (703): View more from Virginia

  I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.

  (703): View more from Virginia

  I want to have sex with him.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (703): I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress. (703): I want to have sex with him. http://tfl.nu/1wj3
  Replies (5) Good night (1210) Bad night (439)
• Favorite

  (515): View more from Iowa

  Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (515): Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number. http://tfl.nu/1xqc
  Replies (6) Good night (1585) Bad night (676) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (305): View more from Florida

  I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (305): I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again. http://tfl.nu/m5jy
  Replies (5) Good night (1709) Bad night (385) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (778): View more from British Columbia

  it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body

  (1-778): View more from British Columbia

  I wish I could understand how you function in society

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (778): it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body (1-778): I wish I could understand how you function in society http://tfl.nu/9z0t
  Replies (4) Good night (1431) Bad night (373) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (435): View more from Utah

  I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (435): I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read http://tfl.nu/7a19
  Replies (14) Good night (2487) Bad night (393) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  ur mom makes the best bacon

  (1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

  WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (570): ur mom makes the best bacon (1-570): WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE http://tfl.nu/0ryx
  Replies (13) Good night (3492) Bad night (430) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (250): View more from British Columbia

  Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (250): Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza. http://tfl.nu/3z2i
  Replies (9) Good night (1882) Bad night (649) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (401): My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog. http://tfl.nu/x3j9
  Replies (8) Good night (3331) Bad night (807) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (970): View more from Colorado

  Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (970): Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did. http://tfl.nu/3qcv
  Replies (7) Good night (7774) Bad night (1952) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (913): View more from Kansas

  all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (913): all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar http://tfl.nu/vsuv
  Replies (1) Good night (2639) Bad night (1159) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (508): I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate. http://tfl.nu/ga8b
  Replies (8) Good night (476) Bad night (830) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (780): I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat. http://tfl.nu/b7sx
  Replies (6) Good night (1248) Bad night (362) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (850): View more from Florida

  I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (850): I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain. http://tfl.nu/8aml
  Replies (12) Good night (5534) Bad night (1009) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (315): View more from New York

  So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.

  (315): View more from New York

  They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (315): So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers. (315): They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair. http://tfl.nu/om27
  Replies (9) Good night (1467) Bad night (447)
• Favorite

  (+61): View more from Australia

  Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (+61): Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride. http://tfl.nu/wxrx
  Replies (6) Good night (1447) Bad night (414) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (587): View more from Alberta

  Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (587): Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature? http://tfl.nu/gy0w
  Replies (7) Good night (1168) Bad night (263)
• Favorite

  (303): View more from Colorado

  stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (303): stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole. http://tfl.nu/0oq5
  Replies (13) Good night (4682) Bad night (888) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (773): View more from Illinois

  I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (773): I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word. http://tfl.nu/3o13
  Replies (17) Good night (4808) Bad night (1049) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (281): View more from Texas

  She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (281): She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this. http://tfl.nu/u3zd
  Replies (46) Good night (9948) Bad night (1202)
• Favorite

  (248): View more from Michigan

  The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (248): The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children http://tfl.nu/7xpu
  Replies (6) Good night (4224) Bad night (652)
• Favorite

  (937): View more from Ohio

  Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (937): Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship? http://tfl.nu/9ufc
  Replies (12) Good night (3768) Bad night (834) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (772): View more from Florida

  You're fine

  (585): View more from New York

  I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (772): You're fine (585): I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine. http://tfl.nu/gnen
  Replies (4) Good night (1516) Bad night (768)
• Favorite

  (843): View more from South Carolina

  Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (843): Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming.. http://tfl.nu/kfd5
  Replies (49) Good night (2754) Bad night (4905) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (410): View more from Maryland

  She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (410): She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with http://tfl.nu/po8c
  Replies (24) Good night (6913) Bad night (1942) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (207): View more from Maine

  Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (207): Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP. http://tfl.nu/nipi
  Replies (11) Good night (2986) Bad night (465) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (217): View more from Illinois

  She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (217): She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop http://tfl.nu/g9k9
  Replies (6) Good night (1814) Bad night (543) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (701): View more from North Dakota

  I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (701): I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad. http://tfl.nu/wm5g
  Replies (9) Good night (1005) Bad night (404)
• Favorite

  (901): View more from Tennessee

  She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (901): She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied http://tfl.nu/t1al
  Replies (7) Good night (1086) Bad night (465)
• Favorite

  (269): View more from Michigan

  I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (269): I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax. http://tfl.nu/b5v2
  Replies (5) Good night (2471) Bad night (487) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (405): She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after? http://tfl.nu/ibkm
  Replies (16) Good night (3434) Bad night (713) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (850): View more from Florida

  She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (850): She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next http://tfl.nu/slhn
  Replies (10) Good night (3477) Bad night (363) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (203): View more from Connecticut

  You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (203): You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly http://tfl.nu/snl2
  Replies (7) Good night (2431) Bad night (710) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (515): View more from Iowa

  nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (515): nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right http://tfl.nu/dqke
  Replies (35) Good night (3047) Bad night (531) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (336): View more from North Carolina

  You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (336): You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed. http://tfl.nu/cedv
  Replies (101) Good night (9657) Bad night (993) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (519): View more from Ontario

  I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (519): I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you http://tfl.nu/mvu5
  Replies (6) Good night (2846) Bad night (823) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (917): View more from New York City

  After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (917): After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment. http://tfl.nu/hjie
  Replies (7) Good night (698) Bad night (1503) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (612): View more from Minnesota

  i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (612): i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning. http://tfl.nu/nqu5
  Replies (17) Good night (3397) Bad night (911)
• Favorite

  (516): View more from New York

  onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?

  (443): View more from Maryland

  he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (516): onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please? (443): he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag? http://tfl.nu/5o6h
  Replies (134) Good night (12894) Bad night (25536)
• Favorite

  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (202): I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me. http://tfl.nu/uo6c
  Replies (111) Good night (2230) Bad night (35645) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (306): So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation". http://tfl.nu/h2mq
  Replies (85) Good night (3267) Bad night (39383) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (402): View more from Nebraska

  THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (402): THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO http://tfl.nu/qx0l
  Replies (14) Good night (2351) Bad night (458) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (317): View more from Indiana

  You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (317): You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk. http://tfl.nu/qv2s
  Replies (9) Good night (1147) Bad night (446) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (650): View more from California

  i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (650): i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra http://tfl.nu/msm7
  Replies (12) Good night (699) Bad night (418) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (708): View more from Illinois

  you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (708): you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group http://tfl.nu/bihz
  Replies (12) Good night (1255) Bad night (429)
• Favorite

  (949): View more from California

  did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (949): did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass? http://tfl.nu/5kuh
  Replies (9) Good night (823) Bad night (409) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (303): View more from Colorado

  If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina

  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  I told you those kegels would come in handy one day

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (303): If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina (401): I told you those kegels would come in handy one day http://tfl.nu/ed4f
  Replies (22) Good night (2188) Bad night (465)
• Favorite

  (702): View more from Nevada

  We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.

  (843): View more from South Carolina

  You're the best wingman ever.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (702): We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you. (843): You're the best wingman ever. http://tfl.nu/wgzf
  Replies (13) Good night (2420) Bad night (523)
• Favorite

  (205): View more from Alabama

  He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (205): He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos" http://tfl.nu/1xhi
  Replies (10) Good night (1428) Bad night (474) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (563): View more from Iowa

  You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (563): You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar. http://tfl.nu/9hcy
  Replies (7) Good night (1948) Bad night (520) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (601): View more from Mississippi

  This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (601): This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK! http://tfl.nu/gkpr
  Replies (11) Good night (1212) Bad night (466) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (610): I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions. http://tfl.nu/ms2p
  Replies (12) Good night (780) Bad night (542) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (505): View more from New Mexico

  I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (505): I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet? http://tfl.nu/aavq
  Replies (9) Good night (1750) Bad night (607) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (513): View more from Ohio

  Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (513): Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives. http://tfl.nu/voqg
  Replies (12) Good night (3175) Bad night (706) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (267): I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with. http://tfl.nu/vaw3
  Replies (14) Good night (609) Bad night (707) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (702): View more from Nevada

  Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems

  (702): View more from Nevada

  I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (702): Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems (702): I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula http://tfl.nu/2l23
  Replies (8) Good night (1092) Bad night (743)
• Favorite

  (917): View more from New York City

  Anderson Cooper just came out.

  (212): View more from New York

  Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (917): Anderson Cooper just came out. (212): Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor. http://tfl.nu/cxy2
  Replies (5) Good night (1430) Bad night (800)
• Favorite

  (937): View more from Ohio

  I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (937): I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast. http://tfl.nu/9len
  Replies (2) Good night (869) Bad night (825) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (443): View more from Maryland

  He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (443): He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us. http://tfl.nu/2gzn
  Replies (7) Good night (883) Bad night (861) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (206): View more from Washington

  Peanut butter balls.

  (1-206): View more from Washington

  IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (206): Peanut butter balls. (1-206): IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD http://tfl.nu/s2fd
  Replies (10) Good night (551) Bad night (867) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (505): View more from New Mexico

  She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (505): She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night http://tfl.nu/ai6j
  Replies (12) Good night (408) Bad night (857) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (765): View more from Indiana

  Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (765): Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. http://tfl.nu/ym4c
  Replies (20) Good night (646) Bad night (980) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (267): I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten. http://tfl.nu/d8ik
  Replies (10) Good night (754) Bad night (1070) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (636): View more from Missouri

  You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased

  (314): View more from Missouri

  Please be lying.

  (636): View more from Missouri

  Im not. Your family was creeped out

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (636): You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased (314): Please be lying. (636): Im not. Your family was creeped out http://tfl.nu/82lj
  Replies (8) Good night (915) Bad night (1748)
• Favorite

  (+61): View more from Australia

  Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (+61): Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on. http://tfl.nu/q17g
  Replies (13) Good night (3241) Bad night (725)
• Favorite

  (615): View more from Tennessee

  Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.

  (615): View more from Tennessee

  Like handprints on my lower back...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (615): Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines. (615): Like handprints on my lower back... http://tfl.nu/9y3r
  Replies (3) Good night (1837) Bad night (392)
• Favorite

  (510): View more from California

  God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (510): God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars. http://tfl.nu/alo4
  Replies (9) Good night (2791) Bad night (658) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (309): View more from Illinois

  she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.

  (708): View more from Illinois

  Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (309): she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me. (708): Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you. http://tfl.nu/his2
  Replies (3) Good night (2501) Bad night (396)
• Favorite

  (419): View more from Ohio

  Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (419): Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing. http://tfl.nu/8u2a
  Replies (14) Good night (1246) Bad night (375) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (214): View more from Texas

  Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (214): Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask. http://tfl.nu/3wq6
  Replies (7) Good night (1378) Bad night (378)
• Favorite

  (504): View more from Louisiana

  why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (504): why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan http://tfl.nu/6v6o
  Replies (9) Good night (1253) Bad night (628) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (413): I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic. http://tfl.nu/sxvb
  Replies (80) Good night (30842) Bad night (923) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (505): View more from New Mexico

  Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (505): Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse. http://tfl.nu/nlhf
  Replies (41) Good night (30886) Bad night (857) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (124): View more from

  Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (124): Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all. http://tfl.nu/q25u
  Replies (107) Good night (31468) Bad night (1286)
• Favorite

  (416): View more from Ontario

  you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (416): you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night http://tfl.nu/f5gl
  Replies (92) Good night (32248) Bad night (1602)
• Favorite

  (970): View more from Colorado

  I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.

  (303): View more from Colorado

  Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (970): I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar. (303): Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick. http://tfl.nu/w6wy
  Replies (111) Good night (38400) Bad night (3070)
• Favorite

  (443): View more from Maryland

  We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (443): We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich.... http://tfl.nu/i7fe
  Replies (100) Good night (37948) Bad night (1143) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (713): View more from Texas

  I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.

  (512): View more from Texas

  babe, don't say it like that!

  (713): View more from Texas

  I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (713): I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight. (512): babe, don't say it like that! (713): I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening. http://tfl.nu/iuma
  Replies (139) Good night (38523) Bad night (1463)
• Favorite

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?

  (1-508): View more from Massachusetts

  you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (508): awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation? (1-508): you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets. http://tfl.nu/hqfn
  Replies (97) Good night (40118) Bad night (1527)
• Favorite

  (661): View more from California

  the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (661): the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep. http://tfl.nu/zfm0
  Replies (74) Good night (40178) Bad night (1075) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?

  (1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

  you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (570): why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds? (1-570): you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911 http://tfl.nu/vzb8
  Replies (109) Good night (39843) Bad night (1916)
• Favorite

  (513): View more from Ohio

  You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (513): You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing. http://tfl.nu/rrc8
  Replies (80) Good night (44129) Bad night (1701) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (717): hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands http://tfl.nu/c6ww
  Replies (83) Good night (49029) Bad night (2039) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (604): View more from British Columbia

  She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (604): She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking. http://tfl.nu/ilmx
  Replies (110) Good night (50589) Bad night (1662) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (847): View more from Illinois

  so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (847): so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration". http://tfl.nu/m5rh
  Replies (87) Good night (51269) Bad night (3135) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (812): View more from Indiana

  My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (812): My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow http://tfl.nu/ea94
  Replies (235) Good night (64819) Bad night (2519)
• Favorite

  (757): View more from Virginia

  At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (757): At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP." http://tfl.nu/p091
  Replies (297) Good night (73358) Bad night (2460) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (847): View more from Illinois

  i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (847): i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out. http://tfl.nu/gev3
  Replies (508) Good night (86050) Bad night (8366)
• Favorite

  (847): View more from Illinois

  I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.

  (1-847): View more from Illinois

  How was it?

  (847): View more from Illinois

  Fantastic, but that's not the point.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (847): I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me. (1-847): How was it? (847): Fantastic, but that's not the point. http://tfl.nu/muuk
  Replies (204) Good night (86425) Bad night (7091)
• Favorite

  (510): View more from California

  he said he didn't have a condom.

  (415): View more from California

  and you said?

  (510): View more from California

  that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (510): he said he didn't have a condom. (415): and you said? (510): that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that. http://tfl.nu/4u76
  Replies (301) Good night (100276) Bad night (5707)
• Favorite

  (919): View more from North Carolina

  so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (919): so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog. http://tfl.nu/73qd
  Replies (444) Good night (112183) Bad night (9720) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (954): View more from Florida

  you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (954): you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now http://tfl.nu/39yk
  Replies (82) Good night (26523) Bad night (1384)