it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
