Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
My brain says no but my pants say off.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
We just shotgunned beers for America
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
seriously i just wanna be friends
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
yea but for you.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
one two three fourrrrnication!
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
that's not how you spell hell yes.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter