Texts From Last Night

nikoliss's Favorites Texts:

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  (954): View more from Florida

  I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.

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  (954): I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people. http://tfl.nu/j7bv
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  What time did you start drinking?

  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Maybe.

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Maybe isn't a time...

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  (617): What time did you start drinking? (978): Maybe. (617): Maybe isn't a time... http://tfl.nu/r4p5
  Replies (14) Good night (5874) Bad night (631)
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  (817): View more from Texas

  I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.

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  (817): I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw. http://tfl.nu/upb5
  Replies (4) Good night (638) Bad night (1342) Order T-Shirt
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.

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  (630): There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am. http://tfl.nu/bakg
  Replies (19) Good night (1418) Bad night (2332) Order T-Shirt
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  (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.

  (1-306): View more from Saskatchewan

  What did you cook with whisky?

  (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  We started a fire.

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  (306): We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky. (1-306): What did you cook with whisky? (306): We started a fire. http://tfl.nu/4y3v
  Replies (11) Good night (5827) Bad night (1012)
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  (479): View more from Arkansas

  You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.

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  (479): You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money. http://tfl.nu/ged1
  Replies (5) Good night (3967) Bad night (557) Order T-Shirt
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  (415): View more from California

  When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"

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  (415): When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping" http://tfl.nu/vogg
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  (423): View more from Tennessee

  you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell

  (901): View more from Tennessee

  thats the international knock for joint time

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  (423): you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell (901): thats the international knock for joint time http://tfl.nu/xbry
  Replies (7) Good night (4070) Bad night (787)
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  (406): View more from Montana

  I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense

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  (406): I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense http://tfl.nu/qajt
  Replies (48) Good night (5379) Bad night (1287) Order T-Shirt
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  (210): View more from Texas

  I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.

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  (210): I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high. http://tfl.nu/oo1s
  Replies (16) Good night (3003) Bad night (846) Order T-Shirt
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  (845): View more from New York

  Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.

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  (845): Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry. http://tfl.nu/kkr1
  Replies (7) Good night (2928) Bad night (1185) Order T-Shirt
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  (949): View more from California

  the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.

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  (949): the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed. http://tfl.nu/zkih
  Replies (11) Good night (849) Bad night (2408) Order T-Shirt
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  (952): View more from Minnesota

  So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building

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  (952): So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building http://tfl.nu/qsqb
  Replies (15) Good night (8046) Bad night (786) Order T-Shirt
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?

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  (636): hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls? http://tfl.nu/dqbw
  Replies (17) Good night (4961) Bad night (851) Order T-Shirt
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.

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  (404): We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned. http://tfl.nu/3qtb
  Replies (6) Good night (5502) Bad night (736) Order T-Shirt
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.

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  (937): Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me. http://tfl.nu/l4zf
  Replies (4) Good night (5110) Bad night (756) Order T-Shirt
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.

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  (919): you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt. http://tfl.nu/2jv4
  Replies (10) Good night (6698) Bad night (905) Order T-Shirt
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.

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  (978): I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now. http://tfl.nu/xddc
  Replies (17) Good night (11375) Bad night (897) Order T-Shirt
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  (954): View more from Florida

  Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.

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  (954): Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka. http://tfl.nu/l16y
  Replies (12) Good night (4973) Bad night (772) Order T-Shirt
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do

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  (201): the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do http://tfl.nu/8wsa
  Replies (24) Good night (1311) Bad night (4181) Order T-Shirt
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.

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  (814): I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild. http://tfl.nu/qodr
  Replies (9) Good night (5027) Bad night (770) Order T-Shirt
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"

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  (715): You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts" http://tfl.nu/ong1
  Replies (12) Good night (1748) Bad night (4987) Order T-Shirt
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party

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  (812): You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party http://tfl.nu/gmt6
  Replies (10) Good night (5779) Bad night (1208) Order T-Shirt
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.

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  (303): That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now. http://tfl.nu/5jdl
  Replies (13) Good night (5722) Bad night (924) Order T-Shirt
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  (925): View more from California

  I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'

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  (925): I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized' http://tfl.nu/3ov3
  Replies (14) Good night (4297) Bad night (1126) Order T-Shirt
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen

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  (847): If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen http://tfl.nu/f9bs
  Replies (4) Good night (3621) Bad night (1277) Order T-Shirt
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  (828): View more from North Carolina

  yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store

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  (828): yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store http://tfl.nu/iz0y
  Replies (8) Good night (6031) Bad night (881) Order T-Shirt
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  (801): View more from Utah

  He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.

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  (801): He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often. http://tfl.nu/6bnz
  Replies (31) Good night (10363) Bad night (1052)
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night

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  (913): the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night http://tfl.nu/dx83
  Replies (27) Good night (4877) Bad night (852) Order T-Shirt
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  (347): View more from New York

  i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had

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  (347): i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had http://tfl.nu/siqb
  Replies (11) Good night (2994) Bad night (1469) Order T-Shirt
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.

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  (918): when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace. http://tfl.nu/irh2
  Replies (39) Good night (16114) Bad night (1235)
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  (806): View more from Texas

  All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"

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  (806): All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots" http://tfl.nu/28dj
  Replies (12) Good night (5296) Bad night (1029)
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  (786): View more from Florida

  He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."

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  (786): He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets." http://tfl.nu/13ll
  Replies (17) Good night (7430) Bad night (1024)
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister

  (216): View more from Ohio

  i hate you

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  (330): so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister (216): i hate you http://tfl.nu/9cj0
  Replies (43) Good night (22300) Bad night (1514)
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  (308): View more from Nebraska

  What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?

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  (308): What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts? http://tfl.nu/w182
  Replies (21) Good night (8708) Bad night (916) Order T-Shirt
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it

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  (973): So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it http://tfl.nu/ct20
  Replies (29) Good night (5171) Bad night (1550) Order T-Shirt
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  (818): View more from California

  he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror

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  (818): he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror http://tfl.nu/1dr8
  Replies (14) Good night (5951) Bad night (1468) Order T-Shirt
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  (260): View more from Indiana

  I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie

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  (260): I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie http://tfl.nu/6pmw
  Replies (5) Good night (1151) Bad night (3122) Order T-Shirt
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"

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  (970): ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and" http://tfl.nu/hqw1
  Replies (20) Good night (6241) Bad night (811) Order T-Shirt
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...

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  (250): Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls... http://tfl.nu/1wve
  Replies (30) Good night (5440) Bad night (1217) Order T-Shirt
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.

  (1-256): View more from Alabama

  dude how high are you right now?

  (256): View more from Alabama

  do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.

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  (256): i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground. (1-256): dude how high are you right now? (256): do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves. http://tfl.nu/7ihc
  Replies (40) Good night (11522) Bad night (1107)
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"

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  (703): I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila" http://tfl.nu/s09r
  Replies (11) Good night (4604) Bad night (900) Order T-Shirt
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  (585): View more from New York

  Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.

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  (585): Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven. http://tfl.nu/xlkq
  Replies (9) Good night (6190) Bad night (891)
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  (705): View more from Ontario

  She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.

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  (705): She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air. http://tfl.nu/d5pp
  Replies (10) Good night (4348) Bad night (658) Order T-Shirt
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea

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  (732): the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea http://tfl.nu/kd80
  Replies (27) Good night (5782) Bad night (920) Order T-Shirt
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.

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  (203): Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more. http://tfl.nu/bcah
  Replies (31) Good night (5376) Bad night (1045) Order T-Shirt
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.

  (410): View more from Maryland

  engineering majors are such efficient drunks.

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  (717): he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell. (410): engineering majors are such efficient drunks. http://tfl.nu/xm4l
  Replies (22) Good night (8106) Bad night (843)
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  (763): View more from Minnesota

  The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.

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  (763): The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet. http://tfl.nu/fwq9
  Replies (20) Good night (6405) Bad night (860) Order T-Shirt
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  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.

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  (267): She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point. http://tfl.nu/pwj5
  Replies (28) Good night (5025) Bad night (1661) Order T-Shirt
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  (530): View more from California

  I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me

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  (530): I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me http://tfl.nu/rrqt
  Replies (23) Good night (6485) Bad night (1009) Order T-Shirt
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed

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  (630): slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed http://tfl.nu/wcfq
  Replies (26) Good night (4195) Bad night (1085) Order T-Shirt
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I'm pregnant just thinking about him.

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  (412): I'm pregnant just thinking about him. http://tfl.nu/pqtq
  Replies (34) Good night (3140) Bad night (4137) Order T-Shirt
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.

  (1-773): View more from Illinois

  Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married

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  (773): She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win. (1-773): Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married http://tfl.nu/w32w
  Replies (19) Good night (1019) Bad night (7343)
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!

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  (240): Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr! http://tfl.nu/r5un
  Replies (3) Good night (1472) Bad night (681) Order T-Shirt
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....

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  (317): I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up.... http://tfl.nu/s81o
  Replies (66) Good night (13002) Bad night (634) Order T-Shirt
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.

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  (703): no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing. http://tfl.nu/bnv5
  Replies (33) Good night (5361) Bad night (1110) Order T-Shirt
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.

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  (202): Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke. http://tfl.nu/as75
  Replies (8) Good night (937) Bad night (4361) Order T-Shirt
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  isnt it creepy that our bodies make people

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  (860): isnt it creepy that our bodies make people http://tfl.nu/vg9u
  Replies (98) Good night (5914) Bad night (820) Order T-Shirt
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"

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  (770): All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better" http://tfl.nu/pc1d
  Replies (15) Good night (4509) Bad night (1351) Order T-Shirt
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.

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  (832): Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank. http://tfl.nu/gxu8
  Replies (10) Good night (5007) Bad night (956) Order T-Shirt
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.

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  (908): Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage. http://tfl.nu/uh3k
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes

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  (540): all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes http://tfl.nu/yixn
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.

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  (781): i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed. http://tfl.nu/tv17
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.

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  (610): The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary. http://tfl.nu/0qxf
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  I can get orange kush...

  (586): View more from Michigan

  GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!

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  (313): I can get orange kush... (586): GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?! http://tfl.nu/voiy
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.

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  (540): I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom. http://tfl.nu/5p64
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  (504): View more from Louisiana

  My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.

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  (504): My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed. http://tfl.nu/4z6k
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW

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  (403): OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW http://tfl.nu/587x
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  (951): View more from California

  My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.

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  (951): My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit. http://tfl.nu/s2aa
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  (224): View more from Illinois

  I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am

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  (224): I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am http://tfl.nu/o84u
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind

  (1-330): View more from Ohio

  Well it worked

  (330): View more from Ohio

  Not the point

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  (330): The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind (1-330): Well it worked (330): Not the point http://tfl.nu/mxs7
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  (585): View more from New York

  I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.

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  (585): I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys. http://tfl.nu/354b
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  (319): View more from Iowa

  How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.

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  (319): How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules. http://tfl.nu/ttz2
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  Ask politely.

  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?

  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  Thats good enough.

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  (484): Ask politely. (610): Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you? (484): Thats good enough. http://tfl.nu/nxir
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  (650): View more from California

  Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.

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  (650): Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart. http://tfl.nu/8dw8
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  (813): View more from Florida

  right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.

  (1-813): View more from Florida

  only on the fourth of july.

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  (813): right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming. (1-813): only on the fourth of july. http://tfl.nu/s13z
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  (916): View more from California

  my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.

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  (916): my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out. http://tfl.nu/f1nl
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  (709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

  apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.

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  (709): apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos. http://tfl.nu/b1xi
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.

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  (314): I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness. http://tfl.nu/5pr0
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.

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  (410): I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas. http://tfl.nu/b72z
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.

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  (304): He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight. http://tfl.nu/5vdu
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.

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  (978): i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running. http://tfl.nu/jcc8
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.

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  (303): He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool. http://tfl.nu/8q12
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  (631): View more from New York

  By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.

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  (631): By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made. http://tfl.nu/sjsx
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  (863): View more from Florida

  Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!

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  (863): Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!! http://tfl.nu/werm
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  (352): View more from Florida

  i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

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  (352): i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE http://tfl.nu/5phb
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?

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  (412): Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline? http://tfl.nu/g8m6
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time

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  (770): Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time http://tfl.nu/rffr
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing

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  (402): Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing http://tfl.nu/n0bj
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?

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  (541): If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs? http://tfl.nu/k19f
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.

  (1-270): View more from Kentucky

  I'm jealous

  (270): View more from Kentucky

  My throat feels like a candle.

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  (270): T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English. (1-270): I'm jealous (270): My throat feels like a candle. http://tfl.nu/vpw9
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  (514): View more from Quebec

  He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.

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  (514): He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic. http://tfl.nu/4dpi
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  protesters in toronto definately have the best pot

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  (703): protesters in toronto definately have the best pot http://tfl.nu/s38f
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.

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  (919): So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee. http://tfl.nu/sup3
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head

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  (908): I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head http://tfl.nu/52vv
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  (949): View more from California

  hell yes lets make some ravioli

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  (949): hell yes lets make some ravioli http://tfl.nu/0xmr
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.

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  (847): the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker. http://tfl.nu/4drl
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  (406): View more from Montana

  She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.

  (409): View more from Texas

  That was definitely the right answer.

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  (406): She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her. (409): That was definitely the right answer. http://tfl.nu/zisl
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."

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  (913): I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady." http://tfl.nu/ftym
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  (845): View more from New York

  Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention

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  (845): Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention http://tfl.nu/alzz
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  (337): View more from Louisiana

  Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.

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  (337): Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning. http://tfl.nu/g9g5
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  Everybody was literally kung fu fighting

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  (803): Everybody was literally kung fu fighting http://tfl.nu/75ca
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  (207): View more from Maine

  Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man

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  (207): Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man http://tfl.nu/9o60
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  (518): View more from New York

  everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.

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  (518): everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem. http://tfl.nu/bvtl
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...

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  (913): you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast... http://tfl.nu/eo63
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  (660): View more from Missouri

  Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart

  (281): View more from Texas

  What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?

  (660): View more from Missouri

  Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni

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  (660): Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart (281): What theme did he decide on for the bathroom? (660): Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni http://tfl.nu/hovp
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  (501): View more from Arkansas

  recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.

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  (501): recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree. http://tfl.nu/wbc5
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."

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  (202): And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan." http://tfl.nu/9mrq
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?

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  (203): Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock? http://tfl.nu/k7ck
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?

  (505): View more from New Mexico

  The responsible thing...show them the break room.

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  (314): I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do? (505): The responsible thing...show them the break room. http://tfl.nu/55u1
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  (818): View more from California

  His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.

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  (818): His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face. http://tfl.nu/bthr
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"

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  (816): Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you" http://tfl.nu/hln2
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.

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  (816): Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned. http://tfl.nu/ygc3
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  (716): View more from New York

  I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.

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  (716): I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad. http://tfl.nu/kobd
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.

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  (541): I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk. http://tfl.nu/yadf
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  (407): View more from Florida

  We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.

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  (407): We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab. http://tfl.nu/iyx8
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.

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  (614): she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer. http://tfl.nu/rq7c
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.

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  (203): I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour. http://tfl.nu/xoad
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I am puke

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  (617): I am puke http://tfl.nu/8ec4
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  (225): View more from Louisiana

  Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas

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  (225): Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas http://tfl.nu/fkrh
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.

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  (515): in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch. http://tfl.nu/88o7
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.

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  (513): I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this. http://tfl.nu/ok35
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.

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  (503): iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane. http://tfl.nu/zl9e
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.

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  (919): I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before. http://tfl.nu/gqc0
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  (701): View more from North Dakota

  i want to fuck

  (320): View more from Minnesota

  ?

  (701): View more from North Dakota

  it's pretty self explanatory

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  (701): i want to fuck (320): ? (701): it's pretty self explanatory http://tfl.nu/ul4n
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.

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  (630): you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car. http://tfl.nu/fzr7
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night

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  (978): my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night http://tfl.nu/ky4c
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  (817): View more from Texas

  90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus

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  (817): 90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus http://tfl.nu/i6dy
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.

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  (205): Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high. http://tfl.nu/wyb4
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.

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  (405): Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts. http://tfl.nu/kf4k
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  (650): View more from California

  i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug

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  (650): i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug http://tfl.nu/0t6b
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  (281): View more from Texas

  Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.

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  (281): Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle. http://tfl.nu/lbmt
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!

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  (443): just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?! http://tfl.nu/h1we
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  (954): View more from Florida

  tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?

  (1-954): View more from Florida

  Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.

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  (954): tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"? (1-954): Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards. http://tfl.nu/k91c
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion

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  (314): What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion http://tfl.nu/5o7j
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  (916): View more from California

  do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?

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  (916): do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won? http://tfl.nu/7jg6
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  (518): View more from New York

  I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide

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  (518): I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide http://tfl.nu/vkti
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...

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  (570): I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons... http://tfl.nu/4olw
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  (850): View more from Florida

  Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.

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  (850): Miracle whip is the devil's jizz. http://tfl.nu/kavw
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.

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  (913): just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home. http://tfl.nu/c9s9
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.

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  (404): standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture. http://tfl.nu/15y7
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  (914): View more from New York

  Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.

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  (914): Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way. http://tfl.nu/3diq
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  (425): View more from Washington

  I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming

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  (425): I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming http://tfl.nu/enr3
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  (+61): View more from Australia

  I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.

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  (+61): I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude. http://tfl.nu/5t8b
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  (801): View more from Utah

  Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first

  (206): View more from Washington

  You are the luckiest man alive

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  (801): Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first (206): You are the luckiest man alive http://tfl.nu/uh0h
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  (765): View more from Indiana

  I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.

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  (765): I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work. http://tfl.nu/q42i
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  (817): View more from Texas

  You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time

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  (817): You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time http://tfl.nu/ixfn
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...

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  (303): Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water... http://tfl.nu/8ncn
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"

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  (208): this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin" http://tfl.nu/odvv
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  (559): View more from California

  Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE

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  (559): Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE http://tfl.nu/d6tf
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  (434): View more from Virginia

  KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.

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  (434): KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS. http://tfl.nu/51z5
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  wtf, did you fuck a retard?!

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  (860): he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape (617): wtf, did you fuck a retard?! http://tfl.nu/q1iv
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  (360): View more from Washington

  You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.

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  (360): You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there. http://tfl.nu/r1ke
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  (989): View more from Michigan

  It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.

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  (989): It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat. http://tfl.nu/ln17
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter

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  (215): i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter http://tfl.nu/d1e8
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?

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  (330): Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket? http://tfl.nu/lptb
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  (618): View more from Illinois

  oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.

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  (618): oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me. http://tfl.nu/a68t
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors

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  (973): He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors http://tfl.nu/k8g7
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.

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  (678): Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth. http://tfl.nu/d54p
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.

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  (724): I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong. http://tfl.nu/hgte
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced

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  (419): watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced http://tfl.nu/2xlb
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  (856): View more from New Jersey

  FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!

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  (856): FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?! http://tfl.nu/ganv
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  (310): View more from California

  as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'

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  (310): as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!' http://tfl.nu/csk1
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  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.

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  (780): I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop. http://tfl.nu/zx6t
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.

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  (610): I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs. http://tfl.nu/uj0s
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  (916): View more from California

  We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.

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  (916): We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever. http://tfl.nu/dui8
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.

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  (832): i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life. http://tfl.nu/zh94
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.

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  (419): doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars. http://tfl.nu/h8m5
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  (810): View more from Michigan

  I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?

  (989): View more from Michigan

  By definition I think it does.

  (810): View more from Michigan

  So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.

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  (810): I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp? (989): By definition I think it does. (810): So this is what it feels like to be all that is man. http://tfl.nu/lu2t
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  (206): View more from Washington

  tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth

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  (206): tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth http://tfl.nu/91m9
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  (971): View more from Oregon

  :O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"

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  (971): :O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out" http://tfl.nu/uf6x
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  (765): View more from Indiana

  I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.

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  (765): I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart. http://tfl.nu/xlbc
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes

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  (216): My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes http://tfl.nu/wpjq
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls

  (763): View more from Minnesota

  is that a poem?!

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  (612): Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls (763): is that a poem?! http://tfl.nu/h29o
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.

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  (937): We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now. http://tfl.nu/61xt
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  (818): View more from California

  I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.

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  (818): I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos. http://tfl.nu/bkr9
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  (601): View more from Mississippi

  High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way

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  (601): High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way http://tfl.nu/xf3z
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  (805): View more from California

  IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!

  (818): View more from California

  A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?

  (805): View more from California

  CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT

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  (805): IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT! (818): A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie? (805): CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT http://tfl.nu/znee
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd

  (443): View more from Maryland

  wasted?

  (410): View more from Maryland

  im pocohantasssss

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  (410): can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd (443): wasted? (410): im pocohantasssss http://tfl.nu/gql6
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down

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  (330): First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down http://tfl.nu/yeuq
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet

  (908): View more from New Jersey

  I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building

  (201): View more from New Jersey

  Tie

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  (201): I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet (908): I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building (201): Tie http://tfl.nu/a5wy
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.

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  (847): i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out. http://tfl.nu/gev3
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you

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  (617): a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you</3 http://tfl.nu/z6s1
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  (408): View more from California

  When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.

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  (408): When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus. http://tfl.nu/kpmf
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.

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  (617): Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street. http://tfl.nu/miwy
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.

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  (970): I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian. http://tfl.nu/kify
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  What are you drinking?

  (404): View more from Georgia

  Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL

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  (678): What are you drinking? (404): Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL http://tfl.nu/iqly
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  (619): View more from California

  you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog

  (716): View more from New York

  do you not see the irony in that??

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  (619): you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog (716): do you not see the irony in that?? http://tfl.nu/h8wi
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.

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  (617): I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while. http://tfl.nu/clpn
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this

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  (604): fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this http://tfl.nu/yh2h
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.

  (402): View more from Nebraska

  Update, its a couple

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  (402): On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho. (402): Update, its a couple http://tfl.nu/mrbp
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.

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  (773): well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it. http://tfl.nu/vp9s
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was

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  (402): All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was http://tfl.nu/p0yn
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  How was the bike ride?

  (1-734): View more from Michigan

  Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.

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  (734): How was the bike ride? (1-734): Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups. http://tfl.nu/2qrl
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Houston, we have a problem

  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  where are u?

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.

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  (617): Houston, we have a problem (781): where are u? (617): Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here. http://tfl.nu/zyw6
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.

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  (604): She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking. http://tfl.nu/ilmx
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.

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  (617): i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend. (508): i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me. http://tfl.nu/ho6s
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.

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  (802): OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made. http://tfl.nu/87yq
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.

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  (405): Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine. http://tfl.nu/l1h6
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  What happened to the watermelon?

  (1-314): View more from Missouri

  You fucked it.

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  (314): What happened to the watermelon? (1-314): You fucked it. http://tfl.nu/pk7c
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  (214): View more from Texas

  Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious

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  (214): Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious http://tfl.nu/ofzu
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?

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  (757): tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning? http://tfl.nu/fo3m
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands

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  (717): hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands http://tfl.nu/c6ww
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  (510): View more from California

  You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying

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  (510): You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying http://tfl.nu/xlhu
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  (716): View more from New York

  fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.

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  (716): fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck. http://tfl.nu/62ha
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  (386): View more from Florida

  after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.

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  (386): after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time. http://tfl.nu/767v
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.

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  (703): I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking. http://tfl.nu/6jrt
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  (323): View more from California

  You got in a fight last night?

  (818): View more from California

  Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.

  (323): View more from California

  Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?

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  (323): You got in a fight last night? (818): Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since. (323): Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you? http://tfl.nu/hf09
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.

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  (303): I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight. http://tfl.nu/0aby
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  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome

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  (414): i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome http://tfl.nu/01jd
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  (512): View more from Texas

  why does the wii remote smell like your vag?

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  (512): why does the wii remote smell like your vag? http://tfl.nu/z7m2
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?

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  (570): how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge? http://tfl.nu/xxhq
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  (559): View more from California

  I queefed so loud it echoed.

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  (559): I queefed so loud it echoed. http://tfl.nu/ujmt
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs

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  (773): I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs http://tfl.nu/cj7x
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  (718): View more from New York

  what happened last night?

  (917): View more from New York City

  u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style

  (718): View more from New York

  that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left

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  (718): what happened last night? (917): u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style (718): that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left http://tfl.nu/i3a9
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.

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  (704): you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you. http://tfl.nu/wl2h
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  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.

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  (414): dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian. http://tfl.nu/yfk0
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  I bet i've been more pregnant than you.

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  (602): I bet i've been more pregnant than you. http://tfl.nu/0mti
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  (308): View more from Nebraska

  I think i sorta joined a cult last night

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  (308): I think i sorta joined a cult last night http://tfl.nu/1gad
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.

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  (770): just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes. http://tfl.nu/9iko
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  (219): View more from Indiana

  NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh

  (1-219): View more from Indiana

  wow.

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  (219): NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh (1-219): wow. http://tfl.nu/be02
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk

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  (301): Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk http://tfl.nu/lzse
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs

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  (519): her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs http://tfl.nu/0f09
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  (207): View more from Maine

  I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii

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  (207): I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii http://tfl.nu/9rj5
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  Who pooed in my magic bullet?

  (1-613): View more from Ontario

  Sorry the bathroom was being used.

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  (613): Who pooed in my magic bullet? (1-613): Sorry the bathroom was being used. http://tfl.nu/qp1c
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.

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  (402): just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot. http://tfl.nu/9z8d
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  (619): View more from California

  do all gilrs hav hair on thier vagaina ?

  (805): View more from California

  Don't drive home.

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  (619): do all gilrs hav hair on thier vagaina ? (805): Don't drive home. http://tfl.nu/8ed1
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  (214): View more from Texas

  didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.

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  (214): didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping. http://tfl.nu/hx4w
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  (801): View more from Utah

  I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.

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  (801): I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials. http://tfl.nu/rax4
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?

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  (609): so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me? http://tfl.nu/3dvn
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"

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  (816): You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!" http://tfl.nu/vlcz
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?

  (1-734): View more from Michigan

  How did the beer even get there in the first place?

  (734): View more from Michigan

  That's not what's important right now

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  (734): Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina? (1-734): How did the beer even get there in the first place? (734): That's not what's important right now http://tfl.nu/17l2
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  (850): View more from Florida

  it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.

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  (850): it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco. http://tfl.nu/l4az
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  im trying to make cookies in the george foreman

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  (757): im trying to make cookies in the george foreman http://tfl.nu/otmc
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