Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
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