You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
i think i have herpe
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
My room smells like vodka and shame
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
We named our party play list daddy issues
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
you will always have a special place in my vag
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Quick, to the slutcave!
You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
This is sufficient.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I hate ducks.
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Redeem this text for a blowjob
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her