Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
19 Parents Admit the Lies They’ve Told Their Children
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
21 Worst Confessions on a First Date
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."