No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
