just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
just throwing this out there: period starts tomorrow sooo either sex tonight or not until tues/weds.
i get a bj anyways so it's really your choice.
k i'll be over in 5.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Banned from zoo.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole