i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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