The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
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Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
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forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
be there in ten.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
he puts the penis in happiness.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
what if I'm pregnant?
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
the vacuum is drunk
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
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I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
All I know is that if italians start TIME TRAVELLING were all in a lot of trouble paizon
You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
R you on birth control?
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
My liver just broke up with me...
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.