She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Dating After Heartbreak
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Are my feet made of real feet?
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
where are you?
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Viking lives by an ancient code of honor that we do not understand.
What code could that possibly be? Bothering the fucking shit out of people while being physically repulsive?
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
This is sufficient.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Ryan Ross and Jon Walker left panic at the disco today.
I predict a mass suicide of the 14 year old girl population...
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
He went soft
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.