I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
What should our trivia night team be named?
Apple has a Lot to Explain to iPhone X Customers
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
People Asked The Internet Questions About their Private Parts And The Results Are Hilarious
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
this will be a night to untag.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
it glows. i had to have it.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
she looked like the before picture.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
one might say we're banned from that church
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Best friends brother. Beat that.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'll put lettuce on them
haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
I told him it was alright.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
This is evicking siegelnvs
This is fucking ridiculous*
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
false alarm. still invincible.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
smell my finger.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.