she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
