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you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
it cannot be done, he is unbreakable.
What?
..he cannot be seduced..she had to have roofied him.
Details.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
 go to hell.
In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls
is that a poem?!
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
Kroger has a sale on economy packs of some ridic brand of condom with a smiley devil heart on it $4.99 for 24
Sounds like a baby waitign to happen
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
so explain again why im purple
no
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
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