I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
