Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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