Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
I dont know to explain this.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY