I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
