This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
23 Men Confess What Gifts Would Brighten Their Day
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
This baby is an asshole
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
The pigeons can smell the fear
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
i would punch a child for taco bell
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
false alarm. still invincible.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.