did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Do vagina's smell?
Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Quick, to the slutcave!
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I am full of burrito and curiosity
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
My room smells like vodka and shame
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
my mouth tastes like poor choices
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I don't think your that much of a whore. your like a whore-let. a mini whore.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I think I am morally bankrupt
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
i already hear my dad disowning me
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck