Texts From Last Night

FreezFire's Favorites Texts:

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  (714): View more from California

  sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.

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  (714): sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast. http://tfl.nu/a05x
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"

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  (515): When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation" http://tfl.nu/vmn5
  Replies (10) Good night (3449) Bad night (930)
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin

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  (416): I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin http://tfl.nu/wbk6
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  (660): View more from Missouri

  what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?

  (816): View more from Missouri

  um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan

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  (660): what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate? (816): um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan http://tfl.nu/0tla
  Replies (11) Good night (7661) Bad night (918)
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  (806): View more from Texas

  Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.

  (1-806): View more from Texas

  Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.

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  (806): Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk. (1-806): Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess. http://tfl.nu/c175
  Replies (15) Good night (2414) Bad night (1009)
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..

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  (724): I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star.. http://tfl.nu/hv80
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  (817): View more from Texas

  So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...

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  (817): So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals... http://tfl.nu/dkvo
  Replies (13) Good night (2096) Bad night (610) Order T-Shirt
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.

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  (+44): Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people. http://tfl.nu/uumz
  Replies (24) Good night (5868) Bad night (1042)
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable

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  (732): wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable http://tfl.nu/5ca2
  Replies (15) Good night (6360) Bad night (831) Order T-Shirt
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.

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  (403): Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed. http://tfl.nu/yrbs
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  (925): View more from California

  370HSSV 0773H read that upside down

  (1-925): View more from California

  what are you doing with your life

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  (925): 370HSSV 0773H read that upside down (1-925): what are you doing with your life http://tfl.nu/25tc
  Replies (19) Good night (4889) Bad night (1135) Order T-Shirt
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  (707): View more from California

  come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.

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  (707): come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you. http://tfl.nu/6h34
  Replies (17) Good night (1926) Bad night (2368)
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  (360): View more from Washington

  if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked

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  (360): if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked http://tfl.nu/kcmn
  Replies (24) Good night (5012) Bad night (1836)
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?

  (773): View more from Illinois

  To be honest, kinda.

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  (708): For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly? (773): To be honest, kinda. http://tfl.nu/5ciz
  Replies (13) Good night (1386) Bad night (3751)
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian

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  (503): Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian http://tfl.nu/9eu3
  Replies (30) Good night (6645) Bad night (2630)
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers

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  (803): some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers http://tfl.nu/iyv4
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.

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  (303): One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud. http://tfl.nu/mlmc
  Replies (20) Good night (8763) Bad night (1206)
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  (+66): View more from Thailand

  A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure

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  (+66): A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure http://tfl.nu/u013
  Replies (24) Good night (6610) Bad night (1545) Order T-Shirt
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.

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  (330): just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people. http://tfl.nu/iaht
  Replies (12) Good night (13198) Bad night (1027) Order T-Shirt
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back

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  (610): advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back http://tfl.nu/339g
  Replies (13) Good night (3759) Bad night (1200) Order T-Shirt
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  (727): View more from Florida

  the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick

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  (727): the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick http://tfl.nu/3g66
  Replies (10) Good night (5876) Bad night (1242) Order T-Shirt
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  (206): View more from Washington

  Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.

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  (206): Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night. http://tfl.nu/zl6t
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours

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  (240): last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours http://tfl.nu/1nv0
  Replies (15) Good night (13006) Bad night (992)
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.

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  (443): We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status. http://tfl.nu/kzoi
  Replies (43) Good night (14866) Bad night (1136) Order T-Shirt
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  (334): View more from Alabama

  He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.

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  (334): He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning. http://tfl.nu/odgl
  Replies (58) Good night (16177) Bad night (3385)
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"

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  (256): you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!" http://tfl.nu/8xfk
  Replies (11) Good night (13044) Bad night (1078)
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  (352): View more from Florida

  Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.

  (352): View more from Florida

  And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.

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  (352): Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye. (352): And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave. http://tfl.nu/f5gq
  Replies (8) Good night (4915) Bad night (953)
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."

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  (908): While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you." http://tfl.nu/7a3m
  Replies (55) Good night (26477) Bad night (2256) Order T-Shirt
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.

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  (918): when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace. http://tfl.nu/irh2
  Replies (39) Good night (16114) Bad night (1236)
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  (647): View more from Ontario

  I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.

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  (647): I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms. http://tfl.nu/aw2i
  Replies (38) Good night (7146) Bad night (1417)
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  (219): View more from Indiana

  you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.

  (949): View more from California

  she's my drunk super hero.

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  (219): you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds. (949): she's my drunk super hero. http://tfl.nu/ngha
  Replies (17) Good night (5537) Bad night (1099)
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  (+64): View more from New Zealand

  I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer

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  (+64): I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer http://tfl.nu/8v2s
  Replies (14) Good night (1566) Bad night (3322) Order T-Shirt
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  (765): View more from Indiana

  I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.

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  (765): I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome. http://tfl.nu/mczw
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.

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  (616): There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by. http://tfl.nu/au1s
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  (206): View more from Washington

  The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...

  (425): View more from Washington

  Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.

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  (206): The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies... (425): Let's let the open bar be the judge of that. http://tfl.nu/ch8t
  Replies (7) Good night (5642) Bad night (858)
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  (509): View more from Washington

  I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.

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  (509): I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact. http://tfl.nu/tkeu
  Replies (35) Good night (1111) Bad night (3875) Order T-Shirt
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  (765): View more from Indiana

  I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.

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  (765): I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick. http://tfl.nu/m09q
  Replies (25) Good night (3940) Bad night (2485) Order T-Shirt
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  (904): View more from Florida

  He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.

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  (904): He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college. http://tfl.nu/3hcf
  Replies (19) Good night (2454) Bad night (5896) Order T-Shirt
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.

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  (651): I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister. http://tfl.nu/ezh5
  Replies (9) Good night (6479) Bad night (877)
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years

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  (609): It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years http://tfl.nu/cjjj
  Replies (27) Good night (8384) Bad night (1501)
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  (210): View more from Texas

  Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.

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  (210): Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material. http://tfl.nu/16u9
  Replies (66) Good night (5432) Bad night (2520) Order T-Shirt
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments

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  (304): She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments http://tfl.nu/75se
  Replies (87) Good night (14311) Bad night (2672) Order T-Shirt
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began

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  (570): 12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began http://tfl.nu/mu8u
  Replies (21) Good night (5128) Bad night (895)
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  (817): View more from Texas

  They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.

  (214): View more from Texas

  Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.

  (817): View more from Texas

  You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.

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  (817): They asked me to help them shop for lingerie. (214): Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better. (817): You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for. http://tfl.nu/hqk4
  Replies (35) Good night (10262) Bad night (1152)
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH

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  (480): West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH http://tfl.nu/ntsd
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  (281): View more from Texas

  Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.

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  (281): Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's. http://tfl.nu/ot6m
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  (323): View more from California

  it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway

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  (323): it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway http://tfl.nu/ikbt
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever

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  (570): Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever http://tfl.nu/sgij
  Replies (86) Good night (2979) Bad night (15019)
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  (425): View more from Washington

  He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.

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  (425): He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me. http://tfl.nu/6hfm
  Replies (18) Good night (4692) Bad night (2026) Order T-Shirt
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  I wish I had a frozen water bed.

  (253): View more from Washington

  best. idea. ever.

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  (734): I wish I had a frozen water bed. (253): best. idea. ever. http://tfl.nu/r1w7
  Replies (58) Good night (5654) Bad night (1909)
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  (425): View more from Washington

  i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.

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  (425): i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life. http://tfl.nu/aawj
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?

  (1-918): View more from Oklahoma

  No thats like a top 10

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  (918): is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night? (1-918): No thats like a top 10 http://tfl.nu/uawo
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  (425): View more from Washington

  her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.

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  (425): her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle. http://tfl.nu/baj8
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.

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  (609): my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway. http://tfl.nu/j8p7
  Replies (28) Good night (1214) Bad night (9546) Order T-Shirt
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.

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  (732): Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day. http://tfl.nu/xpns
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.

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  (613): Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors. http://tfl.nu/tkq1
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  (509): View more from Washington

  I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.

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  (509): I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here. http://tfl.nu/f99e
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  (903): View more from Texas

  omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.

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  (903): omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal. http://tfl.nu/qev8
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  (214): View more from Texas

  If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.

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  (214): If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice. http://tfl.nu/19fo
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  I don't know where my bra went.

  (1-303): View more from Colorado

  Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.

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  (303): I don't know where my bra went. (1-303): Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy. http://tfl.nu/03yq
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  (713): View more from Texas

  Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.

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  (713): Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success. http://tfl.nu/wlhs
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  (574): View more from Indiana

  My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.

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  (574): My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall. http://tfl.nu/kdj3
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  (949): View more from California

  You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?

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  (949): You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5? http://tfl.nu/3tc1
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  (863): View more from Florida

  I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila

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  (863): I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila http://tfl.nu/e6je
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  (714): View more from California

  You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that

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  (714): You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that http://tfl.nu/q1k2
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place

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  (843): Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place http://tfl.nu/sgjx
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.

  (1-262): View more from Wisconsin

  That's funny. Are they weird looking???

  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.

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  (262): There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart. (1-262): That's funny. Are they weird looking??? (262): OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS. http://tfl.nu/egmz
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.

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  (401): I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy. http://tfl.nu/4ar4
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.

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  (330): You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox. http://tfl.nu/xeau
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  (719): View more from Colorado

  Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.

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  (719): Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you. http://tfl.nu/04eg
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.

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  (401): she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride. http://tfl.nu/b4k2
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.

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  (412): I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on. http://tfl.nu/5fm3
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  (307): View more from Wyoming

  you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood

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  (307): you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood http://tfl.nu/ts9e
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  (260): View more from Indiana

  Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.

  (219): View more from Indiana

  You said that last year...

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  (260): Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate. (219): You said that last year... http://tfl.nu/7qlf
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??

  (713): View more from Texas

  Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.

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  (832): At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept?? (713): Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger. http://tfl.nu/oww9
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.

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  (610): As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet. http://tfl.nu/swmp
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"

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  (314): he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting" http://tfl.nu/dmjy
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride

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  (540): he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride http://tfl.nu/4fyt
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out

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  (217): you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out http://tfl.nu/t2x9
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing

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  (402): Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing http://tfl.nu/n0bj
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?

  (713): View more from Texas

  lets deal with that after we figure out where i am

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  (832): why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen? (713): lets deal with that after we figure out where i am http://tfl.nu/0phs
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.

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  (256): Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade. http://tfl.nu/llb7
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  (954): View more from Florida

  i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.

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  (954): i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed. http://tfl.nu/a1x5
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.

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  (919): Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon. http://tfl.nu/tzl9
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second

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  (740): it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second http://tfl.nu/z13t
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.

  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  We should party with her soon

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  (651): She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death. (715): We should party with her soon http://tfl.nu/q1hq
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  (856): View more from New Jersey

  i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong

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  (856): i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong http://tfl.nu/5qbx
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.

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  (216): fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again. http://tfl.nu/nv5y
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  (905): View more from Ontario

  I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.

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  (905): I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now. http://tfl.nu/wxpj
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"

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  (901): I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?" http://tfl.nu/efd9
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people

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  (217): Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people http://tfl.nu/d4g4
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.

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  (202): Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology. http://tfl.nu/sp8t
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  (641): View more from Iowa

  Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.

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  (641): Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that. http://tfl.nu/2jzp
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"

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  (413): i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way" http://tfl.nu/86gt
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  (516): View more from New York

  His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.

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  (516): His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps. http://tfl.nu/q0ub
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  (949): View more from California

  Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?

  (1-949): View more from California

  are you seriously doing this over text message

  (949): View more from California

  hahaha no, but i am dumping you.

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  (949): Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me? (1-949): are you seriously doing this over text message (949): hahaha no, but i am dumping you. http://tfl.nu/2zd7
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"

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  (864): So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life" http://tfl.nu/u5wp
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.

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  (702): So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college. http://tfl.nu/456d
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  (518): View more from New York

  He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"

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  (518): He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!" http://tfl.nu/furw
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  (551): View more from New Jersey

  1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.

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  (551): 1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one. http://tfl.nu/vtrz
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship

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  (775): Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship http://tfl.nu/iroi
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out

  (440): View more from Ohio

  seek help.

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  (216): I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out (440): seek help. http://tfl.nu/dyh0
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.

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  (602): You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy. http://tfl.nu/r33s
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  (971): View more from Oregon

  this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word

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  (971): this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word http://tfl.nu/bykc
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great

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  (908): Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great http://tfl.nu/tjsf
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed

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  (541): dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed http://tfl.nu/93gi
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings

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  (603): A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings http://tfl.nu/n8bz
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?

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  (508): There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun? http://tfl.nu/av48
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  (917): View more from New York City

  you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar

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  (917): you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar http://tfl.nu/kodl
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.

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  (513): You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing. http://tfl.nu/rrc8
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  (225): View more from Louisiana

  This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.

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  (225): This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season. http://tfl.nu/y1m7
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  (718): View more from New York

  One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"

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  (718): One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk" http://tfl.nu/wyyx
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word

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  (513): Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word http://tfl.nu/dxvq
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  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.

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  (414): and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you. http://tfl.nu/lmfo
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job

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  (913): the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job http://tfl.nu/faar
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.

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  (570): so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party. http://tfl.nu/bja2
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.

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  (256): we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it. http://tfl.nu/bdg5
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.

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  (215): The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room. http://tfl.nu/3nsa
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  I don't know what your problem is but seriously you're a cunt for throwing up that song on your page. It's rude as fuck

  (734): View more from Michigan

  omg its myspace i didnt think anyone took that seriously anymore

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  (734): I don't know what your problem is but seriously you're a cunt for throwing up that song on your page. It's rude as fuck (734): omg its myspace i didnt think anyone took that seriously anymore http://tfl.nu/u6lq
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  (831): View more from California

  Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?

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  (831): Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21? http://tfl.nu/gpnq
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  (214): View more from Texas

  I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.

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  (214): I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this. http://tfl.nu/iqku
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  (917): View more from New York City

  she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.

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  (917): she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could. http://tfl.nu/cj4q
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.

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  (732): He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it. http://tfl.nu/hjdx
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.

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  (860): You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people. http://tfl.nu/iay5
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.

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  (484): You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy. http://tfl.nu/h40g
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?

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  (412): Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container? http://tfl.nu/it9b
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.

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  (515): once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window. http://tfl.nu/ziko
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo

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  (978): She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo http://tfl.nu/4j6u
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  (501): View more from Arkansas

  instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight

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  (501): instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight http://tfl.nu/gwkf
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.

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  (313): So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale. http://tfl.nu/y4yj
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.

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  (630): So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again. http://tfl.nu/rreu
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  (641): View more from Iowa

  Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.

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  (641): Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout. http://tfl.nu/rilo
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.

  (443): View more from Maryland

  So glad I found your sister.

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  (240): There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find. (443): So glad I found your sister. http://tfl.nu/p3yp
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  (817): View more from Texas

  The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.

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  (817): The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen. http://tfl.nu/gj69
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.

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  (330): Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt. http://tfl.nu/yvoh
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.

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  (702): omg a stripper jus od'd on stage. http://tfl.nu/hgsr
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..

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  (918): i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning.. http://tfl.nu/cvhe
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special

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  (781): my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special http://tfl.nu/2mea
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.

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  (610): My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing. http://tfl.nu/h8rn
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  (954): View more from Florida

  woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student

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  (954): woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student http://tfl.nu/4vc9
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  His little brother walked in on us. Six times.

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  (636): His little brother walked in on us. Six times. http://tfl.nu/ruyk
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  (850): View more from Florida

  how was your day?

  (404): View more from Georgia

  fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?

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  (850): how was your day? (404): fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i? http://tfl.nu/0urf
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  (980): View more from North Carolina

  I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.

  (704): View more from North Carolina

  oh, you finally did the dishes then?

  (980): View more from North Carolina

  No, bought new ones.

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  (980): I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight. (704): oh, you finally did the dishes then? (980): No, bought new ones. http://tfl.nu/21up
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  (207): View more from Maine

  hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.

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  (207): hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either. http://tfl.nu/vb3y
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  (507): View more from Minnesota

  I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point

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  (507): I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point http://tfl.nu/celc
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early

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  (412): For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early http://tfl.nu/4ftf
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed

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  (205): I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed http://tfl.nu/lr4z
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  (530): View more from California

  Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds

  (1-530): View more from California

  Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.

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  (530): Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds (1-530): Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning. http://tfl.nu/ltqk
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...

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  (757): If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up... http://tfl.nu/b9ou
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  (308): View more from Nebraska

  I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad

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  (308): I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad http://tfl.nu/3y6v
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  (210): View more from Texas

  Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?

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  (210): Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat? http://tfl.nu/57e1
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.

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  (314): So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present. http://tfl.nu/xf6g
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.

  (440): View more from Ohio

  Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?

  (216): View more from Ohio

  Holy shit r u serious? How?

  (440): View more from Ohio

  Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.

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  (216): Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks. (440): Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf? (216): Holy shit r u serious? How? (440): Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you. http://tfl.nu/xwoo
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  did u really fuck my little sister???

  (706): View more from Georgia

  im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"

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  (678): did u really fuck my little sister??? (706): im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess" http://tfl.nu/dz4c
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"

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  (513): there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends" http://tfl.nu/u7q7
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  (713): View more from Texas

  I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.

  (512): View more from Texas

  babe, don't say it like that!

  (713): View more from Texas

  I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.

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  (713): I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight. (512): babe, don't say it like that! (713): I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening. http://tfl.nu/iuma
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.

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  (706): dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left. http://tfl.nu/hrhu
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  (269): View more from Michigan

  I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.

  (616): View more from Michigan

  Who said I want to share with you?

  (269): View more from Michigan

  You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.

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  (269): I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you. (616): Who said I want to share with you? (269): You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book. http://tfl.nu/trh2
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  (904): View more from Florida

  I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job

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  (904): I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job http://tfl.nu/0l9r
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  (214): View more from Texas

  The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.

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  (214): The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it. http://tfl.nu/df00
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  (605): View more from South Dakota

  remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones

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  (605): remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones http://tfl.nu/3i5q
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  (727): View more from Florida

  and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.

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  (727): and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go. http://tfl.nu/b20y
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it

  (973): View more from New Jersey

  just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you

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  (203): my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it (973): just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you http://tfl.nu/4uwz
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  (765): View more from Indiana

  A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.

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  (765): A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this. http://tfl.nu/a7q9
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..

  (1-540): View more from Virginia

  What did u do?

  (540): View more from Virginia

  turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..

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  (540): so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn.. (1-540): What did u do? (540): turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him.. http://tfl.nu/pi8a
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  (212): View more from New York

  You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?

  (475): View more from Connecticut

  Yeah?

  (212): View more from New York

  Stuck it in his pooper.

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  (212): You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year? (475): Yeah? (212): Stuck it in his pooper. http://tfl.nu/y911
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  (925): View more from California

  we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself

  (707): View more from California

  dude you teach first grade wtf

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  (925): we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself (707): dude you teach first grade wtf http://tfl.nu/gqyp
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  (647): View more from Ontario

  Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.

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  (647): Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch. http://tfl.nu/v8v7
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  (516): View more from New York

  the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"

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  (516): the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice" http://tfl.nu/bgbh
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  (212): View more from New York

  i want you now

  (916): View more from California

  you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this

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  (212): i want you now (916): you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this http://tfl.nu/8egt
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?

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  (937): How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink? http://tfl.nu/zmgw
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.

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  (617): i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend. (508): i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me. http://tfl.nu/ho6s
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex

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  (312): Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex http://tfl.nu/n8r5
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  (310): View more from California

  Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck

  (312): View more from Illinois

  Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?

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  (310): Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck (312): Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to? http://tfl.nu/odqf
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  (323): View more from California

  Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?

  (1-323): View more from California

  We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?

  (323): View more from California

  Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.

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  (323): Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender? (1-323): We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out? (323): Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture. http://tfl.nu/sr23
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

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  (519): and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba" http://tfl.nu/uoap
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.

  (1-913): View more from Kansas

  You're the best girlfriend ever.

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  (913): Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat. (1-913): You're the best girlfriend ever. http://tfl.nu/imen
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.

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  (313): I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures. http://tfl.nu/7qyy
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests

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  (541): my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests http://tfl.nu/dcsh
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???

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  (802): my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME??? http://tfl.nu/x0d6
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)

  (1-978): View more from Massachusetts

  this is your brother

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  (978): im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;) (1-978): this is your brother http://tfl.nu/l4xz
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  (434): View more from Virginia

  I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.

  (1-434): View more from Virginia

  Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.

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  (434): I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes. (1-434): Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend. http://tfl.nu/t985
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  (206): View more from Washington

  got weed?

  (425): View more from Washington

  I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.

  (206): View more from Washington

  sorry mom...

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  (206): got weed? (425): I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone. (206): sorry mom... http://tfl.nu/04mv
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good

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  (978): Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good http://tfl.nu/k903
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  (407): View more from Florida

  i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...

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  (407): i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star... http://tfl.nu/jbo8
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.

  (1-404): View more from Georgia

  Two?

  (404): View more from Georgia

  Two.

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  (404): Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs. (1-404): Two? (404): Two. http://tfl.nu/opzf
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.

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  (602): Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not. http://tfl.nu/pe6e
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  (323): View more from California

  You got in a fight last night?

  (818): View more from California

  Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.

  (323): View more from California

  Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?

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  (323): You got in a fight last night? (818): Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since. (323): Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you? http://tfl.nu/hf09
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  (813): View more from Florida

  I'm fucking your sister right now.

  (1-813): View more from Florida

  You motherfucker

  (813): View more from Florida

  She's next.

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  (813): I'm fucking your sister right now. (1-813): You motherfucker (813): She's next. http://tfl.nu/gaup
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  (971): View more from Oregon

  I have two black x marks on my hands.

  (503): View more from Oregon

  Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'

  (971): View more from Oregon

  damnit I wish I could remember that.

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  (971): I have two black x marks on my hands. (503): Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here' (971): damnit I wish I could remember that. http://tfl.nu/kz4a
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka

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  (443): So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka http://tfl.nu/4spi
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  (909): View more from California

  I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him

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  (909): I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him http://tfl.nu/axwb
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.

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  (802): OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made. http://tfl.nu/87yq
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.

  (1-216): View more from Ohio

  It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.

  (216): View more from Ohio

  He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.

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  (216): I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself. (1-216): It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you. (216): He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry. http://tfl.nu/dfyj
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind

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  (773): I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind http://tfl.nu/hlcm
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.

  (303): View more from Colorado

  Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.

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  (970): I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar. (303): Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick. http://tfl.nu/w6wy
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.

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  (401): apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat. http://tfl.nu/jsnf
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