Tap Here to view the Mobile Optimized TFLN
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Dude, Erin Andrews has a nude video circulating the internet.
Is it any good?
Let me put it this way: I bet Stuart Scott's lazy eye went straight after watching that.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
they say Disney World is the happiest place on Earth. It's a close second to the Super 8 on route 18. That place holds some great memories.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
Pants 0. Shit 1.
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
normal stoners make pot brownies. gay stoners make pot chocolate covered cherries on a cinnamon graham cracker crust which by the way are very effective.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Rock
Scissors
Fuck
I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
one two three fourrrrnication!
dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Sacagawea was the original milf.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I'm drive I can fine osifer
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Quick, to the slutcave!
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?
I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
You can't special order awesome
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I think my fart just growled at me.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Follow @tfln
Cracked IndieClick Humor