Texts From Last Night

geosuicide's Favorites Texts:

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  (914): View more from New York

  Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.

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  (914): Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way. http://tfl.nu/3diq
  Replies (49) Good night (3182) Bad night (672)
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.

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  (678): You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works. http://tfl.nu/of7z
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks

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  (508): ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks http://tfl.nu/ycbx
  Replies (149) Good night (3046) Bad night (1792)
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  (925): View more from California

  his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.

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  (925): his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch. http://tfl.nu/0vl7
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?

  (828): View more from North Carolina

  how high are you?

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  (336): do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos? (828): how high are you? http://tfl.nu/9z76
  Replies (59) Good night (11569) Bad night (1258)
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  (914): View more from New York

  After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!

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  (914): After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT! http://tfl.nu/umoe
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.

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  (202): i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left. http://tfl.nu/4tq4
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  (423): View more from Tennessee

  he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.

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  (423): he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft. http://tfl.nu/x178
  Replies (345) Good night (2634) Bad night (16851) Order T-Shirt
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  (337): View more from Louisiana

  i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...

  (985): View more from Louisiana

  wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb

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  (337): i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think... (985): wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb http://tfl.nu/zhoe
  Replies (13) Good night (562) Bad night (884)
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  (857): View more from Massachusetts

  Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'

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  (857): Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7' http://tfl.nu/hrls
  Replies (63) Good night (853) Bad night (4873) Order T-Shirt
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was

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  (720): I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was http://tfl.nu/iq7q
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  My astrological sign? Vagitarius.

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  (440): My astrological sign? Vagitarius. http://tfl.nu/0z0j
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  (225): View more from Louisiana

  Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas

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  (225): Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas http://tfl.nu/fkrh
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.

  (1-919): View more from North Carolina

  And that worked?

  (919): View more from North Carolina

  9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.

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  (919): So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night. (1-919): And that worked? (919): 9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards. http://tfl.nu/moso
  Replies (68) Good night (12757) Bad night (1134)
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.

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  (804): my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go. http://tfl.nu/0t5u
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  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.

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  (321): Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance. http://tfl.nu/ue6b
  Replies (56) Good night (1097) Bad night (2140)
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.

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  (803): I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway. http://tfl.nu/iohv
  Replies (8) Good night (1470) Bad night (612) Order T-Shirt
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  Dude, Erin Andrews has a nude video circulating the internet.

  (404): View more from Georgia

  Is it any good?

  (615): View more from Tennessee

  Let me put it this way: I bet Stuart Scott's lazy eye went straight after watching that.

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  (615): Dude, Erin Andrews has a nude video circulating the internet. (404): Is it any good? (615): Let me put it this way: I bet Stuart Scott's lazy eye went straight after watching that. http://tfl.nu/ptq9
  Replies (46) Good night (3357) Bad night (376)
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.

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  (703): Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock. http://tfl.nu/z9t5
  Replies (18) Good night (3840) Bad night (301) Order T-Shirt
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"

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  (610): She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it" http://tfl.nu/cfuj
  Replies (111) Good night (3331) Bad night (1390) Order T-Shirt
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  the red head has a bf

  (1-843): View more from South Carolina

  just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score

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  (843): the red head has a bf (1-843): just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score http://tfl.nu/bdta
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  (254): View more from Texas

  his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker

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  (254): his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker http://tfl.nu/f6e1
  Replies (19) Good night (658) Bad night (8644)
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  (831): View more from California

  It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night

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  (831): It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night http://tfl.nu/8gcp
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down

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  (330): First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down http://tfl.nu/yeuq
  Replies (206) Good night (49048) Bad night (2220) Order T-Shirt
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy

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  (614): see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy http://tfl.nu/v81p
  Replies (41) Good night (4284) Bad night (1000) Order T-Shirt
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Have you learned any life lessons?

  (406): View more from Montana

  I like big butts and I cannot lie.

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  (303): Have you learned any life lessons? (406): I like big butts and I cannot lie. http://tfl.nu/s51u
  Replies (11) Good night (2402) Bad night (343)
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  (850): View more from Florida

  it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.

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  (850): it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco. http://tfl.nu/l4az
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.

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  (781): Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart. http://tfl.nu/ct0g
  Replies (5) Good night (518) Bad night (3397) Order T-Shirt
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.

  (440): View more from Ohio

  Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?

  (216): View more from Ohio

  Holy shit r u serious? How?

  (440): View more from Ohio

  Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.

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  (216): Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks. (440): Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf? (216): Holy shit r u serious? How? (440): Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you. http://tfl.nu/xwoo
  Replies (156) Good night (6143) Bad night (39424)
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure

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  (814): Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure http://tfl.nu/wzgm
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.

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  (604): I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks. http://tfl.nu/kxma
  Replies (34) Good night (1843) Bad night (2251)
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car

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  (313): The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car http://tfl.nu/lq42
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"

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  (480): I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues" http://tfl.nu/4mvg
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.

  (1-970): View more from Colorado

  you better fuck at least one or both of them.

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  (970): We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes. (1-970): you better fuck at least one or both of them. http://tfl.nu/eeo0
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.

  (828): View more from North Carolina

  Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner

  (864): View more from South Carolina

  Previous statement retracted.

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  (864): If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay. (828): Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner (864): Previous statement retracted. http://tfl.nu/e7pe
  Replies (46) Good night (12575) Bad night (891)
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate

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  (804): is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate http://tfl.nu/cll3
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  (509): View more from Washington

  Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.

  (406): View more from Montana

  IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.

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  (509): Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober. (406): IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out. http://tfl.nu/sia4
  Replies (10) Good night (863) Bad night (3716)
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome

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  (970): we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome http://tfl.nu/ziv6
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  (204): View more from Manitoba

  Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.

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  (204): Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding. http://tfl.nu/e8lb
  Replies (19) Good night (765) Bad night (5567)
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  (863): View more from Florida

  During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?

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  (863): During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart? http://tfl.nu/3xgk
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  (407): View more from Florida

  If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you

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  (407): If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you http://tfl.nu/r9im
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  (716): View more from New York

  Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."

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  (716): Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per." http://tfl.nu/jili
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  (518): View more from New York

  my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...

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  (518): my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her... http://tfl.nu/xju0
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..

  (1-502): View more from Kentucky

  Aren't you in 8th grade?

  (502): View more from Kentucky

  9th, but that's not the point.

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  (502): I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school.. (1-502): Aren't you in 8th grade? (502): 9th, but that's not the point. http://tfl.nu/te0g
  Replies (104) Good night (5374) Bad night (3450)
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  So do you want to come over? ;)

  (763): View more from Minnesota

  Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.

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  (612): So do you want to come over? ;) (763): Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry. http://tfl.nu/m0zn
  Replies (44) Good night (890) Bad night (6509)
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  (731): View more from Tennessee

  can we take a shower together?

  (901): View more from Tennessee

  no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing

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  (731): can we take a shower together? (901): no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing http://tfl.nu/lc5h
  Replies (55) Good night (7451) Bad night (573)
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  (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?

  (1-306): View more from Saskatchewan

  Don't tempt me, I need beer money.

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  (306): So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob? (1-306): Don't tempt me, I need beer money. http://tfl.nu/pmfd
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...

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  (540): And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good... http://tfl.nu/zb2a
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  (214): View more from Texas

  We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.

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  (214): We're like two naked peas in a sex pod. http://tfl.nu/sqen
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all

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  (603): his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all http://tfl.nu/y0um
  Replies (53) Good night (461) Bad night (4376)
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  (408): View more from California

  i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.

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  (408): i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now. http://tfl.nu/4x4e
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.

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  (203): My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn. http://tfl.nu/0pkd
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  (765): View more from Indiana

  Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.

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  (765): Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else. http://tfl.nu/92rk
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!

  (804): View more from Virginia

  Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!

  (703): View more from Virginia

  well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.

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  (703): i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days! (804): Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us! (703): well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted. http://tfl.nu/ybes
  Replies (48) Good night (5433) Bad night (579)
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  (334): View more from Alabama

  Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.

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  (334): Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened. http://tfl.nu/9jlv
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  (562): View more from California

  Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.

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  (562): Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty. http://tfl.nu/kgia
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  (818): View more from California

  got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night

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  (818): got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night http://tfl.nu/zxc1
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed

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  (732): i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed http://tfl.nu/l1mh
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.

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  (630): You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem. http://tfl.nu/xqri
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  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth

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  (414): it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth http://tfl.nu/rgv0
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  (936): View more from Texas

  Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.

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  (936): Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy. http://tfl.nu/jygh
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck

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  (401): you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck http://tfl.nu/4wd4
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  (509): View more from Washington

  Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?

  (860): View more from Connecticut

  Becoming a productive member of society?

  (509): View more from Washington

  Sam. Come on.

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  (509): Guess what I'm doing tomorrow? (860): Becoming a productive member of society? (509): Sam. Come on. http://tfl.nu/hrkz
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.

  (407): View more from Florida

  Its part of my fall instant classic line.

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  (515): I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot. (407): Its part of my fall instant classic line. http://tfl.nu/v43i
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  (870): View more from Arkansas

  I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.

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  (870): I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership. http://tfl.nu/f8ej
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  (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?

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  (306): Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'? http://tfl.nu/gncd
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  (607): View more from New York

  You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me

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  (607): You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me http://tfl.nu/ry9s
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  (310): View more from California

  Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..

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  (310): Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand.. http://tfl.nu/3e9c
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex

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  (412): I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex http://tfl.nu/na8l
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...

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  (540): so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it... http://tfl.nu/rkx1
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  (763): View more from Minnesota

  I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me

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  (763): I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me http://tfl.nu/kago
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  You love popeyes more than me

  (1-402): View more from Nebraska

  does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?

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  (402): You love popeyes more than me (1-402): does delicious chicken come out of your vagina? http://tfl.nu/hcyr
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  I love you

  (720): View more from Colorado

  are you drunk

  (440): View more from Ohio

  yes but I def love you, we should get married

  (720): View more from Colorado

  But I'm Jewish

  (440): View more from Ohio

  embrace Jesus

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  (440): I love you (720): are you drunk (440): yes but I def love you, we should get married (720): But I'm Jewish (440): embrace Jesus http://tfl.nu/v32c
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  (361): View more from Texas

  At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?

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  (361): At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now? http://tfl.nu/lbi5
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  they say Disney World is the happiest place on Earth. It's a close second to the Super 8 on route 18. That place holds some great memories.

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  (781): they say Disney World is the happiest place on Earth. It's a close second to the Super 8 on route 18. That place holds some great memories. http://tfl.nu/7ndb
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail

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  (864): I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail http://tfl.nu/plfb
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit

  (303): View more from Colorado

  I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex

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  (832): I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit (303): I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex http://tfl.nu/u4ul
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  (124): View more from

  Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.

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  (124): Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all. http://tfl.nu/q25u
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"

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  (303): The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick" http://tfl.nu/klf2
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck

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  (732): no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck http://tfl.nu/y61e
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  Her name starts with A and ends with whore.

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  (706): Her name starts with A and ends with whore. http://tfl.nu/o8d5
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  (925): View more from California

  If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.

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  (925): If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying. http://tfl.nu/0bns
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest

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  (519): He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest http://tfl.nu/yyal
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  (586): View more from Michigan

  Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app

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  (586): Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app http://tfl.nu/uu0s
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  (949): View more from California

  this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head

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  (949): this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head http://tfl.nu/73zt
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"

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  (734): you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover" http://tfl.nu/l7y3
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  I'm on page 4.

  (678): View more from Georgia

  Im on beer infinity

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  (706): I'm on page 4. (678): Im on beer infinity http://tfl.nu/an89
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  (765): View more from Indiana

  laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?

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  (765): laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you? http://tfl.nu/4i1p
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.

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  (205): just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed. http://tfl.nu/2764
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"

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  (864): So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life" http://tfl.nu/u5wp
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.

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  (248): her lazy eye was starring daggers at me. http://tfl.nu/0qd5
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  (309): View more from Illinois

  My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass

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  (309): My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass http://tfl.nu/e85a
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  I too understand the importance of cheesy bread

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  (215): I too understand the importance of cheesy bread http://tfl.nu/p013
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  (512): View more from Texas

  She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.

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  (512): She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe. http://tfl.nu/piri
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  (858): View more from California

  I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth

  (1-858): View more from California

  Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?

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  (858): I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth (1-858): Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again? http://tfl.nu/8rfw
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date

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  (413): He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date http://tfl.nu/21qw
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.

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  (604): the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick. http://tfl.nu/jjwi
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.

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  (920): I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with. http://tfl.nu/q53z
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  (302): View more from Delaware

  she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>

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  (302): she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to => http://tfl.nu/cnq4
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  (305): View more from Florida

  I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".

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  (305): I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang". http://tfl.nu/9dw0
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  (269): View more from Michigan

  Pants 0. Shit 1.

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  (269): Pants 0. Shit 1. http://tfl.nu/y752
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  (601): View more from Mississippi

  How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?

  (318): View more from Louisiana

  Alcohol?

  (601): View more from Mississippi

  Sex with a fat chick.

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  (601): How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next? (318): Alcohol? (601): Sex with a fat chick. http://tfl.nu/6g9z
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  (204): View more from Manitoba

  Now it won't go down.

  (512): View more from Texas

  You've got a gift.

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  (204): Now it won't go down. (512): You've got a gift. http://tfl.nu/m37i
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  (914): View more from New York

  saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend

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  (914): saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend http://tfl.nu/5l48
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy

  (1-313): View more from Michigan

  You shut your mouth

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  (313): I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy (1-313): You shut your mouth http://tfl.nu/xp5b
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  how was that guy you hooked up with?

  (415): View more from California

  i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing

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  (602): how was that guy you hooked up with? (415): i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing http://tfl.nu/opeh
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  (206): View more from Washington

  put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties

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  (206): put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties http://tfl.nu/njvs
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  I'm drunk

  (615): View more from Tennessee

  Is that why you're texting me

  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  Yes

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  (405): I'm drunk (615): Is that why you're texting me (405): Yes http://tfl.nu/5xy8
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  normal stoners make pot brownies. gay stoners make pot chocolate covered cherries on a cinnamon graham cracker crust which by the way are very effective.

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  (303): normal stoners make pot brownies. gay stoners make pot chocolate covered cherries on a cinnamon graham cracker crust which by the way are very effective. http://tfl.nu/9jpo
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night

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  (603): i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening (508): yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night http://tfl.nu/fae5
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you

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  (708): oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you http://tfl.nu/ee4s
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  Rock

  (630): View more from Illinois

  Scissors

  (630): View more from Illinois

  Fuck

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  (847): Rock (630): Scissors (630): Fuck http://tfl.nu/tdxv
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.

  (1-773): View more from Illinois

  Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.

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  (773): I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend. (1-773): Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you. http://tfl.nu/z52z
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically

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  (703): I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically http://tfl.nu/zfwj
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  (650): View more from California

  one two three fourrrrnication!

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  (650): one two three fourrrrnication! http://tfl.nu/2jpj
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  dats a huuuuuge bitch!

  (773): View more from Illinois

  who is this????

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  (248): dats a huuuuuge bitch! (773): who is this???? http://tfl.nu/bpgf
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  I wanna come home

  (1-270): View more from Kentucky

  And do what?

  (270): View more from Kentucky

  Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.

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  (270): I wanna come home (1-270): And do what? (270): Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat. http://tfl.nu/i6u9
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?

  (248): View more from Michigan

  oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.

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  (248): so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right? (248): oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left. http://tfl.nu/uut9
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  (805): View more from California

  i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?

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  (805): i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns? http://tfl.nu/p7xv
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  (805): View more from California

  she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.

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  (805) she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat. http://tfl.nu/up7k
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  (949): View more from California

  Getting food. Want anything?

  (1-949): View more from California

  Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce

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  (949): Getting food. Want anything? (1-949): Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce http://tfl.nu/xicu
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  do you know how bad I want you right now?

  (1-630): View more from Illinois

  As bad as i want you to stop texting me?

  (630): View more from Illinois

  is that a hint?

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  (630): do you know how bad I want you right now? (1-630): As bad as i want you to stop texting me? (630): is that a hint? http://tfl.nu/28x8
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls

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  (732): my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls http://tfl.nu/3jtt
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.

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  (610): she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break. http://tfl.nu/sziy
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward

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  (541): So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward http://tfl.nu/dpap
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  (952): View more from Minnesota

  Sacagawea was the original milf.

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  (952): Sacagawea was the original milf. http://tfl.nu/8vpz
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  (530): View more from California

  He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.

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  (530): He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me. http://tfl.nu/h0f1
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  (713): View more from Texas

  I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.

  (512): View more from Texas

  babe, don't say it like that!

  (713): View more from Texas

  I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.

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  (713): I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight. (512): babe, don't say it like that! (713): I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening. http://tfl.nu/iuma
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.

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  (404): standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture. http://tfl.nu/15y7
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...

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  (704): so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie... http://tfl.nu/pw66
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  (906): View more from Michigan

  Dude, I think my check liver light just came on

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  (906): Dude, I think my check liver light just came on http://tfl.nu/539i
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.

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  (843): I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again. http://tfl.nu/1qgn
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  (925): View more from California

  just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)

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  (925): just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :) http://tfl.nu/2ogg
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  (210): View more from Texas

  By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE

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  (210): By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE http://tfl.nu/98pz
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  (810): View more from Michigan

  She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.

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  (810): She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance. http://tfl.nu/vgvp
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid

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  (708): She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid http://tfl.nu/fpm2
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  (212): View more from New York

  I'm drive I can fine osifer

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  (212): I'm drive I can fine osifer http://tfl.nu/zjuj
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.

  (773): View more from Illinois

  You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal

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  (312): Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight. (773): You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal http://tfl.nu/9vmu
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.

  (1-775): View more from Nevada

  What!?!?! How are you txting?!

  (775): View more from Nevada

  Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.

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  (775): Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you. (1-775): What!?!?! How are you txting?! (775): Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend. http://tfl.nu/1ioc
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  (701): View more from North Dakota

  My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...

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  (701): My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this... http://tfl.nu/7jfd
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here

  (1-208): View more from Idaho

  what the hell does that mean?

  (208): View more from Idaho

  nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages

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  (208): dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here (1-208): what the hell does that mean? (208): nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages http://tfl.nu/of9o
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!

  (1-314): View more from Missouri

  What?

  (314): View more from Missouri

  I have a yeast infection.

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  (314): I'm bakin' bread in my pussy! (1-314): What? (314): I have a yeast infection. http://tfl.nu/o2ns
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  did u really fuck my little sister???

  (706): View more from Georgia

  im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"

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  (678): did u really fuck my little sister??? (706): im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess" http://tfl.nu/dz4c
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.

  (703): View more from Virginia

  mine is 'the'.

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  (202): so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'. (703): mine is 'the'. http://tfl.nu/v1g1
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.

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  (774): It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God. http://tfl.nu/c3gg
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.

  (1-703): View more from Virginia

  I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?

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  (703): okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar. (1-703): I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up? http://tfl.nu/a4zj
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.

  (1-513): View more from Ohio

  She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.

  (513): View more from Ohio

  She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.

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  (513): Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen. (1-513): She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do. (513): She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses. http://tfl.nu/52u6
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.

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  (918): I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler. http://tfl.nu/ufcl
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.

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  (217): we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself. http://tfl.nu/xzvt
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.

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  (240): I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll. http://tfl.nu/r0xh
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life

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  (614): That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life http://tfl.nu/6e7y
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  Quick, to the slutcave!

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  (202): Quick, to the slutcave! http://tfl.nu/wu8s
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.

  (504): View more from Louisiana

  Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.

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  (775): Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk. (504): Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera. http://tfl.nu/hakn
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  (302): View more from Delaware

  So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?

  (443): View more from Maryland

  I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"

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  (302): So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned? (443): I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me" http://tfl.nu/og83
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.

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  (502): I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later. http://tfl.nu/r27t
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.

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  (312): kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it. http://tfl.nu/8mle
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  (214): View more from Texas

  so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina

  (214): View more from Texas

  i got awkward and finally asked him what he said

  (214): View more from Texas

  he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it

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  (214): so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina (214): i got awkward and finally asked him what he said (214): he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it http://tfl.nu/s46y
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  (619): View more from California

  i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs

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  (619): i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs http://tfl.nu/9vkb
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.

  (507): View more from Minnesota

  she is a standing ovation.

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  (973): too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face. (507): she is a standing ovation. http://tfl.nu/6atu
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  (530): View more from California

  When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.

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  (530): When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children. http://tfl.nu/7iz1
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  Five things that make you perfect. Go.

  (1-918): View more from Oklahoma

  The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.

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  (918): Five things that make you perfect. Go. (1-918): The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses. http://tfl.nu/ni7m
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago

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  (262): why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago http://tfl.nu/ks9q
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.

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  (978): We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted. http://tfl.nu/sak4
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  (714): View more from California

  I would go down on you faster than GM stock

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  (714): I would go down on you faster than GM stock http://tfl.nu/ai9f
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  (845): View more from New York

  It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.

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  (845): It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot. http://tfl.nu/ztf1
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.

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  (402): What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho. http://tfl.nu/a5a8
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  (925): View more from California

  Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up

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  (925): Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up http://tfl.nu/uhz5
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.

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  (502): She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her. http://tfl.nu/ymnu
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.

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  (864): weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps. http://tfl.nu/jawa
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  (813): View more from Florida

  If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.

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  (813): If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story. http://tfl.nu/womj
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.

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  (401): Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends. http://tfl.nu/34is
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  you really are a gigantic fucking slut.

  (614): View more from Ohio

  sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text

  (1-614): View more from Ohio

  it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?

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  (614): you really are a gigantic fucking slut. (614): sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text (1-614): it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh? http://tfl.nu/0prb
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized

  (914): View more from New York

  No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."

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  (508): Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized (914): No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes." http://tfl.nu/s64m
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  You can't special order awesome

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  (404): You can't special order awesome http://tfl.nu/116h
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  (416): View more from Ontario

  Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home

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  (416): Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home http://tfl.nu/32l0
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".

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  (402): I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis". http://tfl.nu/dn08
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  (619): View more from California

  I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.

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  (619): I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe. http://tfl.nu/jto0
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT

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  (443): My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT http://tfl.nu/f0p2
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  (972): View more from Texas

  I'm scared

  (337): View more from Louisiana

  There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.

  (972): View more from Texas

  That's what I'm afraid of

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  (972): I'm scared (337): There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size. (972): That's what I'm afraid of http://tfl.nu/7af7
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  (214): View more from Texas

  in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now

  (469): View more from Texas

  Pride?

  (214): View more from Texas

  thats a pack of cougars

  (469): View more from Texas

  go fuck yourself

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  (214): in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now (469): Pride? (214): thats a pack of cougars (469): go fuck yourself http://tfl.nu/22tj
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"

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  (908): My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger" http://tfl.nu/twr9
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry

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  (781): btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry http://tfl.nu/6odg
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her

  (860): View more from Connecticut

  but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"

  (860): View more from Connecticut

  but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies

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  (860): yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her (860): but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!" (860): but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies http://tfl.nu/084i
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  I think my fart just growled at me.

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  (203): I think my fart just growled at me. http://tfl.nu/gjsq
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  (408): View more from California

  booty call

  (925): View more from California

  i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.

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  (408): booty call (925): i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy. http://tfl.nu/xuna
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  (862): View more from New Jersey

  Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.

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  (862): Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me. http://tfl.nu/hfa7
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  (719): View more from Colorado

  new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge

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  (719): new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge http://tfl.nu/dui0
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  (206): View more from Washington

  got weed?

  (425): View more from Washington

  I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.

  (206): View more from Washington

  sorry mom...

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  (206): got weed? (425): I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone. (206): sorry mom... http://tfl.nu/04mv
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good

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  (978): Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good http://tfl.nu/k903
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...

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  (732): Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken... http://tfl.nu/8g1q
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion

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  (215): I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion http://tfl.nu/gpfj
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.

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  (480): A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card. http://tfl.nu/fah6
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  (407): View more from Florida

  Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.

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  (407): Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis. http://tfl.nu/knfk
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.

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  (216): My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand. http://tfl.nu/h0pi
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.

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  (317): ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions. http://tfl.nu/8qmh
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.

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  (703): i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice. http://tfl.nu/s321
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