I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
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