Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Sex on roller skates
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Deaf chicks here I come
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now