im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
