She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
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I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
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Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Fuck now we have to have sex
In a bet, need to win
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.