There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Lets date for the summer
Dont love me in September.
Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
i want to fuck
it's pretty self explanatory
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I love the progression of these pictures. I go from cute to Courtney Love
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
no you cant smoke seaweed
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
just found the deal breaker
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
a girl in my class is on a twilight fan site and running her fingers on the screen as edwards body comes up.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
Wipe that smile off your face.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.