Texts From Last Night

emmafinnigan's Favorites Texts:

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  (702): View more from Nevada

  Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.

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  (702): Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom. http://tfl.nu/ihoh
  Replies (25) Good night (2758) Bad night (259) Order T-Shirt
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.

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  (505): It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm. http://tfl.nu/vdhu
  Replies (15) Good night (4236) Bad night (282)
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  (845): View more from New York

  Make me a sandwich

  (301): View more from Maryland

  The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.

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  (845): Make me a sandwich (301): The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich. http://tfl.nu/al2a
  Replies (26) Good night (5292) Bad night (281)
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it

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  (+44): He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it http://tfl.nu/dp2q
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  (210): View more from Texas

  I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.

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  (210): I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful. http://tfl.nu/5n8j
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.

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  (480): I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level. http://tfl.nu/m64o
  Replies (5) Good night (2471) Bad night (230)
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?

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  (301): Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you? http://tfl.nu/njmw
  Replies (7) Good night (2057) Bad night (455) Order T-Shirt
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.

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  (918): i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome. http://tfl.nu/yiek
  Replies (8) Good night (792) Bad night (1822) Order T-Shirt
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  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.

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  (321): Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school. http://tfl.nu/sa6n
  Replies (15) Good night (3100) Bad night (1397) Order T-Shirt
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.

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  (860): Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message. http://tfl.nu/jwe9
  Replies (19) Good night (9149) Bad night (566) Order T-Shirt
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.

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  (843): When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done. http://tfl.nu/np50
  Replies (11) Good night (5071) Bad night (625) Order T-Shirt
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.

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  (901): guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching. http://tfl.nu/ljur
  Replies (21) Good night (1525) Bad night (7976) Order T-Shirt
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.

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  (847): sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant. http://tfl.nu/gemh
  Replies (15) Good night (725) Bad night (5620) Order T-Shirt
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  (817): View more from Texas

  If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.

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  (817): If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral. http://tfl.nu/qqbj
  Replies (13) Good night (2862) Bad night (408) Order T-Shirt
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  (972): View more from Texas

  The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions

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  (972): The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions http://tfl.nu/nm0a
  Replies (8) Good night (1271) Bad night (2327) Order T-Shirt
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  (347): View more from New York

  in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him

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  (347): in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him http://tfl.nu/pxgw
  Replies (134) Good night (41914) Bad night (1360) Order T-Shirt
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  (425): View more from Washington

  Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.

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  (425): Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina. http://tfl.nu/kcmo
  Replies (16) Good night (947) Bad night (3002) Order T-Shirt
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  (619): View more from California

  Be still, my beating vagina.

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  (619): Be still, my beating vagina. http://tfl.nu/qyal
  Replies (22) Good night (3969) Bad night (677) Order T-Shirt
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  (478): View more from Georgia

  Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.

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  (478): Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio. http://tfl.nu/i0fo
  Replies (6) Good night (1937) Bad night (459) Order T-Shirt
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  (305): View more from Florida

  I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.

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  (305): I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him. http://tfl.nu/a6jy
  Replies (4) Good night (3269) Bad night (488) Order T-Shirt
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.

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  (401): after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now. http://tfl.nu/y18v
  Replies (160) Good night (12664) Bad night (1443) Order T-Shirt
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.

  (1-404): View more from Georgia

  No one shows this much boob at breakfast

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  (404): It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast. (1-404): No one shows this much boob at breakfast http://tfl.nu/tvt6
  Replies (7) Good night (3518) Bad night (485) Order T-Shirt
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.

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  (814): Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh. http://tfl.nu/s2cz
  Replies (39) Good night (4013) Bad night (981)
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  (646): View more from New York

  He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone

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  (646): He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone http://tfl.nu/7e7m
  Replies (13) Good night (5428) Bad night (788) Order T-Shirt
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.

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  (616): The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes. http://tfl.nu/pvjr
  Replies (43) Good night (3117) Bad night (859) Order T-Shirt
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  (425): View more from Washington

  her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.

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  (425): her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle. http://tfl.nu/baj8
  Replies (52) Good night (1887) Bad night (7377) Order T-Shirt
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.

  (1-215): View more from Pennsylvania

  I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.

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  (215): I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done. (1-215): I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together. http://tfl.nu/q0m2
  Replies (19) Good night (4483) Bad night (668)
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...

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  (410): He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone... http://tfl.nu/g061
  Replies (15) Good night (1198) Bad night (5651) Order T-Shirt
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce

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  (603): Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce http://tfl.nu/x8zt
  Replies (11) Good night (3371) Bad night (904) Order T-Shirt
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  (819): View more from Quebec

  I woke up to her vacumming the grass

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  (819): I woke up to her vacumming the grass http://tfl.nu/p4j1
  Replies (18) Good night (4989) Bad night (788) Order T-Shirt
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  (856): View more from New Jersey

  i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"

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  (856): i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty" http://tfl.nu/8yrq
  Replies (45) Good night (4088) Bad night (1039) Order T-Shirt
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  (516): View more from New York

  She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.

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  (516): She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot. http://tfl.nu/dkig
  Replies (3) Good night (396) Bad night (565) Order T-Shirt
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.

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  (203): I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails. http://tfl.nu/h0ov
  Replies (36) Good night (1131) Bad night (4523) Order T-Shirt
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome

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  (208): I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome http://tfl.nu/zb92
  Replies (30) Good night (2452) Bad night (6122) Order T-Shirt
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  (805): View more from California

  I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.

  (1-805): View more from California

  You do realize that you broke up with him, right?

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  (805): I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose. (1-805): You do realize that you broke up with him, right? http://tfl.nu/4u3s
  Replies (5) Good night (337) Bad night (2420) Order T-Shirt
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  (512): View more from Texas

  She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.

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  (512): She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool. http://tfl.nu/41p2
  Replies (2) Good night (1804) Bad night (525) Order T-Shirt
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  (207): View more from Maine

  did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?

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  (207): did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in? http://tfl.nu/zbg4
  Replies (10) Good night (2558) Bad night (793) Order T-Shirt
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  (631): View more from New York

  i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill

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  (631): i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill http://tfl.nu/bzs5
  Replies (9) Good night (2777) Bad night (507) Order T-Shirt
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.

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  (803): Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there. http://tfl.nu/xmpv
  Replies (8) Good night (7246) Bad night (633) Order T-Shirt
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it

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  (717): And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it http://tfl.nu/tlm9
  Replies (2) Good night (1188) Bad night (791) Order T-Shirt
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.

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  (+44): I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it. http://tfl.nu/jqgn
  Replies (4) Good night (1325) Bad night (838) Order T-Shirt
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  (573): View more from Missouri

  You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.

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  (573): You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad. http://tfl.nu/q4da
  Replies (6) Good night (2078) Bad night (1062) Order T-Shirt
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa

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  (706): It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa http://tfl.nu/ahu3
  Replies (7) Good night (1883) Bad night (881) Order T-Shirt
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  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.

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  (780): Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks. http://tfl.nu/2lc5
  Replies (11) Good night (6028) Bad night (690) Order T-Shirt
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  (928): View more from Arizona

  Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture

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  (928): Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture http://tfl.nu/vg21
  Replies (3) Good night (1463) Bad night (748) Order T-Shirt
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  (727): View more from Florida

  She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.

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  (727): She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek. http://tfl.nu/rrn9
  Replies (117) Good night (2761) Bad night (11345)
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.

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  (608): I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her. http://tfl.nu/mczp
  Replies (28) Good night (2266) Bad night (11460)
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.

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  (978): suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg. http://tfl.nu/rk1z
  Replies (38) Good night (540) Bad night (11253) Order T-Shirt
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill

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  (240): boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill http://tfl.nu/6vp9
  Replies (145) Good night (3184) Bad night (11804) Order T-Shirt
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  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.

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  (414): My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with. http://tfl.nu/07fq
  Replies (158) Good night (2154) Bad night (11937) Order T-Shirt
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.

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  (410): She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY. http://tfl.nu/v8u7
  Replies (85) Good night (983) Bad night (12127) Order T-Shirt
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.

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  (720): You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger. http://tfl.nu/3qkv
  Replies (90) Good night (1378) Bad night (12209) Order T-Shirt
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  (941): View more from Florida

  If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?

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  (941): If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him? http://tfl.nu/9nhp
  Replies (138) Good night (799) Bad night (12218) Order T-Shirt
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  (210): View more from Texas

  I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.

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  (210): I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you. http://tfl.nu/z9fg
  Replies (34) Good night (920) Bad night (12786) Order T-Shirt
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now

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  (301): please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now http://tfl.nu/10rh
  Replies (58) Good night (1009) Bad night (12708) Order T-Shirt
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.

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  (248): I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name. http://tfl.nu/axbm
  Replies (33) Good night (1121) Bad night (13059) Order T-Shirt
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?

  (1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

  Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit

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  (412): How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body? (1-412): Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit http://tfl.nu/2oue
  Replies (51) Good night (1875) Bad night (13103)
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  (434): View more from Virginia

  I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.

  (1-434): View more from Virginia

  Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.

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  (434): I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes. (1-434): Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend. http://tfl.nu/t985
  Replies (54) Good night (1137) Bad night (13104)
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.

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  (304): He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too. http://tfl.nu/2www
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.

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  (602): When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself. http://tfl.nu/8ts9
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"

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  (708): Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex" http://tfl.nu/sy7y
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  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  Did we use protection last night?

  (1-780): View more from Alberta, CA

  Um, no...keep in touch, okay?

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  (780): Did we use protection last night? (1-780): Um, no...keep in touch, okay? http://tfl.nu/2myc
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  (352): View more from Florida

  I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.

  (917): View more from New York City

  I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.

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  (352): I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God. (917): I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice. http://tfl.nu/jdh1
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  (714): View more from California

  found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.

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  (714): found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner. http://tfl.nu/5d6x
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.

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  (614): he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff. http://tfl.nu/tizj
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...

  (1-816): View more from Missouri

  Yeeah thank god

  (816): View more from Missouri

  Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.

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  (816): So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant... (1-816): Yeeah thank god (816): Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million. http://tfl.nu/pevw
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  (530): View more from California

  He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.

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  (530): He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me. http://tfl.nu/h0f1
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.

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  (480): she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever. http://tfl.nu/lqf2
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex

  (703): View more from Virginia

  I'm on my period, period, period

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  (540): birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex (703): I'm on my period, period, period http://tfl.nu/vsrk
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  (260): View more from Indiana

  He went soft

  (631): View more from New York

  Wait. During?

  (260): View more from Indiana

  Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.

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  (260): He went soft (631): Wait. During? (260): Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH. http://tfl.nu/18lb
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.

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  (480): so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out. http://tfl.nu/rr3m
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  (917): View more from New York City

  giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?

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  (917): giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong? http://tfl.nu/9q3v
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  (206): View more from Washington

  got weed?

  (425): View more from Washington

  I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.

  (206): View more from Washington

  sorry mom...

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  (206): got weed? (425): I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone. (206): sorry mom... http://tfl.nu/04mv
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  (917): View more from New York City

  she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.

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  (917): she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could. http://tfl.nu/cj4q
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet

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  (617): just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet http://tfl.nu/fxai
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  (831): View more from California

  period poops. best. ever.

  (925): View more from California

  omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...

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  (831): period poops. best. ever. (925): omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that... http://tfl.nu/lwj4
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  (831): View more from California

  Don't EVER smell your tampon

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  (831): Don't EVER smell your tampon http://tfl.nu/zvwb
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  (971): View more from Oregon

  this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word

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  (971): this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word http://tfl.nu/bykc
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?

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  (330): I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going? http://tfl.nu/4uq9
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!

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  (734): SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO! http://tfl.nu/43s5
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  (315): View more from New York

  We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."

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  (315): We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah." http://tfl.nu/z1lt
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her

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  (603): not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her http://tfl.nu/t8zc
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  (323): View more from California

  You got in a fight last night?

  (818): View more from California

  Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.

  (323): View more from California

  Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?

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  (323): You got in a fight last night? (818): Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since. (323): Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you? http://tfl.nu/hf09
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  (206): View more from Washington

  I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole

  (425): View more from Washington

  There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian

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  (206): I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole (425): There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian http://tfl.nu/pttl
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...

  (623): View more from Arizona

  What did she do!?

  (602): View more from Arizona

  I didn't tell her...

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  (602): So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her... (623): What did she do!? (602): I didn't tell her... http://tfl.nu/i351
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?

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  (937): He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst? http://tfl.nu/5xe1
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  (469): View more from Texas

  I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!

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  (469): I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!! http://tfl.nu/b8q7
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  (516): View more from New York

  onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?

  (443): View more from Maryland

  he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?

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  (516): onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please? (443): he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag? http://tfl.nu/5o6h
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.

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  (440): i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky. http://tfl.nu/4mz4
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!

  (1-314): View more from Missouri

  What?

  (314): View more from Missouri

  I have a yeast infection.

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  (314): I'm bakin' bread in my pussy! (1-314): What? (314): I have a yeast infection. http://tfl.nu/o2ns
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.

  (510): View more from California

  YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!

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  (303): I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it. (510): YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!! http://tfl.nu/7kxq
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.

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  (616): Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up. http://tfl.nu/sgel
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???

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  (217): How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you??? http://tfl.nu/p9qq
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?

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  (203): he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat? http://tfl.nu/b9c7
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...

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  (208): I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows... http://tfl.nu/dubx
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.

  (440): View more from Ohio

  Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?

  (216): View more from Ohio

  Holy shit r u serious? How?

  (440): View more from Ohio

  Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.

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  (216): Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks. (440): Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf? (216): Holy shit r u serious? How? (440): Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you. http://tfl.nu/xwoo
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  (949): View more from California

  Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?

  (1-949): View more from California

  are you seriously doing this over text message

  (949): View more from California

  hahaha no, but i am dumping you.

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  (949): Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me? (1-949): are you seriously doing this over text message (949): hahaha no, but i am dumping you. http://tfl.nu/2zd7
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  (210): View more from Texas

  I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.

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  (210): I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast. http://tfl.nu/qvgk
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?

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  (612): What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home? http://tfl.nu/fztn
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  (619): View more from California

  just caught grandpa beating off in the living room

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  (619): just caught grandpa beating off in the living room http://tfl.nu/3g7q
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.

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  (617): dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick. http://tfl.nu/lewu
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...

  (1-609): View more from New Jersey

  and?

  (609): View more from New Jersey

  RIP clitoris

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  (609): I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there... (1-609): and? (609): RIP clitoris http://tfl.nu/1ub6
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.

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  (570): Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it. http://tfl.nu/ahvg
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.

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  (785): You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina. http://tfl.nu/6dr6
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  (219): View more from Indiana

  THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.

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  (219): THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA. http://tfl.nu/qipd
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?

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  (847): HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT? http://tfl.nu/wczu
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.

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  (570): no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from. http://tfl.nu/zs5p
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.

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  (978): I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time. http://tfl.nu/xn0f
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock

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  (803): Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock http://tfl.nu/bp8m
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.

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  (970): She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim. http://tfl.nu/tftc
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  (520): View more from Arizona

  if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.

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  (520): if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am. http://tfl.nu/txlr
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  (218): View more from Minnesota

  Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?

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  (218): Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday? http://tfl.nu/s08h
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.

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  (703): I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia. http://tfl.nu/9rne
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know

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  (608): I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know http://tfl.nu/g581
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  (705): View more from Ontario

  and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.

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  (705): and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good. http://tfl.nu/bblv
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  (530): View more from California

  My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.

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  (530): My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck. http://tfl.nu/pzgc
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  (318): View more from Louisiana

  We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..

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  (318): We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed.. http://tfl.nu/orkv
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.

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  (812): theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit. http://tfl.nu/gou5
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.

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  (330): I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned. http://tfl.nu/myfn
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  (856): View more from New Jersey

  I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.

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  (856): I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything. http://tfl.nu/b77d
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good

  (1-703): View more from Virginia

  that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna

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  (703): that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good (1-703): that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna http://tfl.nu/tr0q
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.

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  (614): Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie. http://tfl.nu/il2e
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.

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  (702): I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat. http://tfl.nu/7ors
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  (351): View more from Massachusetts

  the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.

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  (351): the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me. http://tfl.nu/s3y3
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  (210): View more from Texas

  Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country

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  (210): Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country http://tfl.nu/te1e
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  (727): View more from Florida

  and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos

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  (727): and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos http://tfl.nu/qrbd
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it

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  (215): the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it http://tfl.nu/0kvz
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.

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  (973): He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird. http://tfl.nu/n9dq
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places

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  (203): She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places http://tfl.nu/q4g8
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.

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  (802): She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there. http://tfl.nu/44mo
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  (863): View more from Florida

  There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.

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  (863): There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent. http://tfl.nu/g0ez
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  (315): View more from New York

  hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.

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  (315): hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time. http://tfl.nu/7nlf
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  (276): View more from Virginia

  I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.

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  (276): I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences. http://tfl.nu/f9jw
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.

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  (519): he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today. http://tfl.nu/4qok
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  (209): View more from California

  What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?

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  (209): What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons? http://tfl.nu/8u4p
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  (917): View more from New York City

  Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?

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  (917): Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night? http://tfl.nu/29mg
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.

  (1-706): View more from Georgia

  Where the hell are you

  (706): View more from Georgia

  He's winning.

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  (706): I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon. (1-706): Where the hell are you (706): He's winning. http://tfl.nu/bx2u
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  (813): View more from Florida

  she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter

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  (813): she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter http://tfl.nu/6hrd
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  (605): View more from South Dakota

  We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.

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  (605): We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone. http://tfl.nu/46r1
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  (845): View more from New York

  They were actually really boring considering how we met them.

  (1-845): View more from New York

  howd you meet them?

  (845): View more from New York

  They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.

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  (845): They were actually really boring considering how we met them. (1-845): howd you meet them? (845): They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs. http://tfl.nu/zyna
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  (719): View more from Colorado

  You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians

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  (719): You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians http://tfl.nu/35a3
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.

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  (443): you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life. http://tfl.nu/pccz
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  (204): View more from Manitoba

  I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.

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  (204): I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks. http://tfl.nu/ehmv
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.

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  (843): So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay. http://tfl.nu/5u6r
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.

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  (317): You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour. http://tfl.nu/7a2s
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.

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  (405): I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed. http://tfl.nu/abj9
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.

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  (717): It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point. http://tfl.nu/8d6y
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  (423): View more from Tennessee

  By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.

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  (423): By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time. http://tfl.nu/7ckj
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  (281): View more from Texas

  Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.

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  (281): Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute. http://tfl.nu/xxsd
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.

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  (484): walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad. http://tfl.nu/s89m
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  (254): View more from Texas

  Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."

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  (254): Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen." http://tfl.nu/2yxx
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  (719): View more from Colorado

  I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.

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  (719): I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed. http://tfl.nu/z9qp
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  (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.

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  (306): I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park. http://tfl.nu/fvsb
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  Why are my keys in the refrigerator?

  (1-205): View more from Alabama

  You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.

  (205): View more from Alabama

  This explains so much.

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  (205): Why are my keys in the refrigerator? (1-205): You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you. (205): This explains so much. http://tfl.nu/ouwy
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  (941): View more from Florida

  thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.

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  (941): thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated. http://tfl.nu/xw0x
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  Banned from zoo.

  (301): View more from Maryland

  Again?

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  (240): Banned from zoo. (301): Again? http://tfl.nu/bv0w
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important

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  (630): I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important http://tfl.nu/7wts
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.

  (303): View more from Colorado

  and I must say, you were very persuasive

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  (303): you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight. (303): and I must say, you were very persuasive http://tfl.nu/e18p
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  (917): View more from New York City

  you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.

  (720): View more from Colorado

  ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...

  (917): View more from New York City

  no it doesn't.

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  (917): you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere. (720): ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning... (917): no it doesn't. http://tfl.nu/6x89
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.

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  (706): I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face. http://tfl.nu/e8qy
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles

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  (215): he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles http://tfl.nu/ya5r
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  (850): View more from Florida

  Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.

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  (850): Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos. http://tfl.nu/15bf
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  Walk of Shame time yet?

  (1+44): View more from

  Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?

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  (+44): Walk of Shame time yet? (1+44): Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling? http://tfl.nu/qcn9
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.

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  (617): I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again. http://tfl.nu/qw6q
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  (501): View more from Arkansas

  This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.

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  (501): This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower. http://tfl.nu/hbb7
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  (425): View more from Washington

  you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it

  (206): View more from Washington

  youre the best friend ever

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  (425): you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it (206): youre the best friend ever http://tfl.nu/6oyc
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.

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  (636): A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it. http://tfl.nu/t9xf
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.

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  (757): He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish. http://tfl.nu/lwox
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.

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  (503): we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass. http://tfl.nu/xi9h
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  (917): View more from New York City

  im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out

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  (917): im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out http://tfl.nu/fsk9
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  (905): View more from Toronto

  so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.

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  (905): so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever. http://tfl.nu/wzae
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  (406): View more from Montana

  my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute

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  (406): my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute http://tfl.nu/00es
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  (319): View more from Iowa

  Heyyyy darlin are you busy?

  (1-319): View more from Iowa

  Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.

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  (319): Heyyyy darlin are you busy? (1-319): Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night. http://tfl.nu/pwb0
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked

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  (419): just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked http://tfl.nu/tqdc
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  (219): View more from Indiana

  Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.

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  (219): Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night. http://tfl.nu/jfm9
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.

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  (970): Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute. http://tfl.nu/y17n
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.

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  (505): Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse. http://tfl.nu/nlhf
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.

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  (630): We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed. http://tfl.nu/qpmm
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  (516): View more from New York

  my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?

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  (516): my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight? http://tfl.nu/m93n
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?

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  (519): i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends? http://tfl.nu/08w4
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  (716): View more from New York

  I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.

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  (716): I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me. http://tfl.nu/61es
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  (850): View more from Florida

  Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?

  (850): View more from Florida

  I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife

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  (850): Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave? (850): I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife http://tfl.nu/5iik
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  (713): View more from Texas

  I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.

  (512): View more from Texas

  babe, don't say it like that!

  (713): View more from Texas

  I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.

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  (713): I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight. (512): babe, don't say it like that! (713): I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening. http://tfl.nu/iuma
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?

  (1-508): View more from Massachusetts

  you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.

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  (508): awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation? (1-508): you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets. http://tfl.nu/hqfn
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.

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  (513): You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing. http://tfl.nu/rrc8
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet

  (908): View more from New Jersey

  I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building

  (201): View more from New Jersey

  Tie

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  (201): I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet (908): I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building (201): Tie http://tfl.nu/a5wy
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd

  (443): View more from Maryland

  wasted?

  (410): View more from Maryland

  im pocohantasssss

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  (410): can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd (443): wasted? (410): im pocohantasssss http://tfl.nu/gql6
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  (219): View more from Indiana

  rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them

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  (219): rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them http://tfl.nu/zf3d
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

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  (519): and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba" http://tfl.nu/uoap
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  (760): View more from California

  I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.

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  (760): I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs. http://tfl.nu/67s4
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  (817): View more from Texas

  Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?

  (1-817): View more from Texas

  You weighed it?

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  (817): Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car? (1-817): You weighed it? http://tfl.nu/lai6
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