In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Smaller, yet meaner.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
where are you?
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.