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Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
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