I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I told you penises don't tan
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
This is sufficient.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!