Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
your thong is hanging out like whoa
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
This is sufficient.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
someone owes me an orgasm
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Sry I called you an 8
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
if i can run in heels then i can drive
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
try lime green
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
He's been sleeping iwht ***
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
this boner is exhausting
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I want leopard sheets
thats the plan
You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"