My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
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