Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
