What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Small penises have feelings too.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I just saw a hot homeless man
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
God, you're like boner-b-gone
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
bring money and cleavage
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
if i can run in heels then i can drive
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
wakey wakey hands off snakey
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it