Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
19 Cringe-worthy Bachelorette Party Texts
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
The 23 Worst Things That Have Happened After a One Night Stand
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Letd wlk him
Lrtd walek hime
Lets wlk home,,,ther we go
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I need a burrito and a hug.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight