You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
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Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
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I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Blood and glitter go together right?
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Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
But theres a keg here and me gusta
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.