Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I heard we made out
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
Is this a definitive no? All is forlorn? Such is fine, but i'm drunk and a sucker for concrete answers
I cockslap morals
Your mouth is God's brothel.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Actions speak louder than pants.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
We named our party play list daddy issues
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I love the progression of these pictures. I go from cute to Courtney Love
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
i was born a porn star she said
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Lets date for the summer
Dont love me in September.
Goodnight sugar queer
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
It was confusing and full of hummus
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Quick, to the slutcave!
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
someone get that fucking seahorse.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Viking lives by an ancient code of honor that we do not understand.
What code could that possibly be? Bothering the fucking shit out of people while being physically repulsive?
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Dignity is for republicans.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Did I miss anything?
A gay irish pirate, a caveman and hunter s tompson.
so we also did drugs
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
dude i'm inner monologue high
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
You're so nebulous sometimes
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.