A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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