We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
do you think it i'm gay because i was in a 3 way lastnight?
well not if you dont touch the other dude and concentrate on the chic
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
You're right, stupid question.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.