This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
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