the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
ACE Hardware Is Charging More For ‘Female’ Versions Of Identical Products And Twitter Is Pissed
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Everyone Is Loving This Dad Who Dressed Up As Alan From ‘The Hangover’ For His Trip To Vegas
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"